Tell Your Story

An important part of healing from your grief is to tell your story. Over and over again..Because if you were really able to fully grasp the magnitude of what happened, you would most likely not be able to survive.
It's just too much.
So, your spirit, your mind, and your body protects you by allowing the truth to sink in slowly over time. At a pace you can live with.
And it's in telling the story of what happened over and over again that you are able to see and come to deal with the truth of what happened.
It's important to comb through the details, relive the sights and sounds. Go ahead and ask, "What if and Why didn't I and If only?"
Nothing is off limits. Turn over every scenario so that no part of the experience is locked behind a closed door. It's painful at first. But keep on telling your story. Because telling the story is a path to healing. And one day you discover that you can't tell it. Not one more time.You just can't do it.
This is what healing feels like!

Welcome to Your Breathing Space

Do you find yourself having a conversation with your grief even before you get out of bed in the morning? That is a sure sign that you're still prioritizing grief over life.You're welcoming the new day with grief in mind. When grief is the first experience of your day, fear will also join in.
It's important to find breathing space and  pay attention to life as soon as you wake up. Grab your coffee and go where you can spend ten minutes alone and in peace.
Welcome to your breathing space!
This space you're looking for-the place where you are alone-isn't really a physical location; it is a space within your body and mind that allows you to remove the weight of loss that you carry around with you. It is where you can set loss aside and think about your future.
A future where you feel alive, strong, grateful, compassionate, and loving.
Where is this place for you? If you recognize this place inside you, go there now. If not, find it. In your breathing space, you'll be called back to life. The more you practice finding it, the more the space will be with you all through your day. Just a breath away, if you need it..

Breaking the Cycle of Grief.

Have you ever noticed in your grieving that the place you keep visiting in your mind does not change? That the story your are reliving follows the same script, with the same ending? This script is called the infinite loop of loss. It's like being on a roller-coaster ride that carries you around and around without ever letting you off. The last ride is always as painful as the first. This is why it's so important to break the cycle of grief.
You must chose to put some space between your pain and your life. Choose to look at your life not only  through the eyes of grief. By establishing some distance between you and your pain, you learn to detach emotionally from the pain and discover ways to heal. By doing this you are no longer letting your loss and your pain define you. You need mental clarity so you can figure out where you are in your life at this moment, instead of where you imagine you are. It is important to experience the reality of life without the intense presence of your grief casting a dark shadow on the entire world around you. Even if your loss is recent, you may realize, by watching, that you still do have moments of authentic joy.
Here are some questions to reflect on that will help you begin the shift away from grief:
1.  When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first though that comes to mind, and how does this       thought make you feel?
2.  Where in your body is the feeling you are describing located?
3.  Is there a feeling you would like to experience instead?
4.  When you experience this new feeling, what would you like to have in your life?
5.  When you acknowledge what you would like to have, do feelings of unworthiness arise? Where do they
     come from?
6.  Most likely, your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. Why do you deserve the things you have
      identified?
Refer to these questions on a regular basis to help reinforce the neural pathways that help you see the world and your feelings objectively.
You can learn to look at your past in a brand-new way by stepping outside of your repetitive thoughts of grief. By thinking new thoughts and engaging in new activities and learning, you can exit the loop of loss!

How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?

We feel so bad when we are grieving that it is not a surprise when we wonder, "How long will I have this terrible pain? Will this suffering ever end?"
There are two kinds of time:
Chronos Time:    This is the kind of time measured by the calendar. Chronos time is counted in days, weeks, months, years. It is the kind of time measured by clocks. It is a physical time..
Kairos Time:    The time within which personal life moves forward. A result of moments of awakening or realization is measured in kairos time. It refers to a deepening process that results from our paying attention to the present moment where we are drawn inside the moment of our own story. Kairos is an unmeasured kind of time.
Don't measure your grief in chronos time! It's been a year, four years, I should be OK by now. To think that a certain amount of time has passed and we should be farther along in our grieving is a set up for wondering what is wrong with us.
What matters is kairos time. What insights have I had? What have I learned? What meaning am I making of my terrible loss?
The amount of time each of us takes to reach integration of our loss is usually longer rather than shorter.Our society suggests that grieving should be short. Many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member...
The good news is that healthy grieving does change you and your life. Know that you will feel alive again, probably wiser, quieter, and full of gratitude and a desire to contribute as a result of what you have been through.
All in good time...All in good kairos time!

When Your Pet Dies.

When someone close to us dies, our loss is usually met with sympathy, comfort, and offerings of sincere condolence. We are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to experience our emotions. But talk with pet owners who have had a dog get hit by a car or a cat euthanized and you will hear a different story .Most people do not understand the depth of their grief. Some even experience the gross insensitivity of a comment like, "Why don't you just get another pet?"
When we are grieving the loss of a beloved pet, we are actually mourning several losses:
The loss of unconditional love: Our pets provide us with emotional responses that are uninhibited by concern for how their expression appear to others. Many of our human relationships aren't that simple. Our pets do not judge our imperfection. They are all-accepting in ways few humans can achieve.
The loss of a protege: Having a pet is like being a parent. We are responsible for another life and go to great lengths to ensure their physical and emotional comfort. The loss of a pet can feel like the loss of a child.
The loss of a "life witness": Our pets allow us to express parts of ourselves that we may not let other humans see. During tough times, they provide us with security, stability and comfort.
The loss of routines: We must say goodbye to feeding time, walking routes, and calling on our pet when we wanted comfort and love.
It is important and necessary to mourn the loss of your pet! Be patient and kind with yourself. Your losses are real, painful, and evoke a variety of feelings and memories. Processing these feelings has no time frame. Create your own rituals for your pet. Hold a service at home or in a place special to you.
What would your pet do if he or she found you sad and in pain? Give you love, give you comfort, and stay with you as long as it took..
We can all learn a lesson from our animal friends!

Is Your Self-Talk Positive or Negative?

Here are some common forms of negative self-talk: 
Filtering. You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all the positive ones. You had a great day at work, filled with compliments. That evening, you focus on your plan to do even more and forget about the compliments you received.
Personalizing. When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. When an evening out is canceled, you assume it is because no one wanted to be around you.
Catastrophizing. You anticipate the worst. Your day starts out with a few snags and you think the rest of your day will be a disaster.
Polarizing.  You see things only as either good or bad. There is no middle ground. You are either perfect or a total failure.
You can learn to turn your thinking around!  Here are some ways to create the new habit of positive thinking:
Identify areas to change . Start small by focusing on one area to approach in a more positive way. Your job, relationship, daily tasks or commute.
Check yourself. Stop and evaluate what you're thinking. Find a way to put a positive spin on all your thoughts.
Be open to humor. Find humor in everyday events, including yourself.
Follow a healthy lifestyle. Get moving as it will affect your mood and reduce stress! Eat well to fuel your mind and body. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel...
Practice positive self-talk.  Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else.
With practice, your self-talk will help you become less critical of yourself, and the world around you!

When A Parent Dies.

Your mother or father has died. Most of us love our parents deeply. And they love you with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summon.
You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of one of the most significant people in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.
Your grief is unique. Grieve in your own way and in your own time. The parent-child bond is the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. Numbness, confusion, guilt, relief, and anger are just a few feelings you may have. They are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling ;don't judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. Find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief.
If you have siblings, the death of this parent may affect them differently than you. Each of them had their own unique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way. Expect some conflicts with your siblings as you may disagree about the memorial, family finances, etc. Or, perhaps you will experience a welcomed gift of the death bringing you and your siblings closer together. Grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest thing you have ever done.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of sadness will leave you fatigued and your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Nurture yourself. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.
Your parent lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends.Those memories may make you laugh or cry, they are a a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Your life will be changed forever. Embrace the blessings you receive along the way!

Becoming Bigger Than Yourself.

Your personal space is the small world you live in where you are the center of the universe. This is where most of us live most of the time. Have you ever made a statement and believe it's about you, only to have the person you are speaking to shift the focus to themselves? What matters most is how everything affects them personally.They are concerned with their own pleasure and comfort. This is why they may not exercise or eat only healthy food. This fear of being uncomfortable hampers their social lives as well as their love lives. They don't want to look bad, and are afraid of failing. So they don't tackle the tough things...
This level of self absorption is the problem in finding our lives purpose.
If we can learn to get outside ourselves and see things from a less self-centered approach, we can learn some amazing lessons.We can begin to see our personal desires are actually pretty trivial, and there's more to life than our little fears... including the pain and suffering of other people, compassion for all living beings, and knowing that we made a difference.. If we can try to focus on how to make the lives of others better, we become less self-centered, and everything begins to change. As we go about our daily lives, we can tie our actions to the betterment of others, giving us motivation on a moment-to-moment basis.This is what is important. A bigger purpose, Becoming Bigger Than Yourself, expanding your mind and heart. The life we have been given is a gift and there is nothing more fulfilling than making a difference in the lives of others!

Wrong Turns In Life.

Often in life, you might take a wrong turn, but at the time, you may not be aware that is IS a wrong turn. So you'll coast along for a while thinking that the scenery looks a bit different than what you expected, but at the time that seems okay. It may take ages, but suddenly you come up against an immovable boulder on the path, one that you can't go around. Or the road you are on dead ends. This is the moment of truth, when you realize not only that you took a wrong turn, but that you're going to have to retrace your steps. Your may feel so far from your destination that you panic, and you just can't believe that you wasted all this time!
Don't give yourself a hard time..If you think back and look really hard, there will be something positive that came out of your little detour.It doesn't matter that you made a side journey: it was just that-a side journey- and it won't prevent you from reaching your destination.Time passes and so does the moment. Soon you'll be back on the right path.Getting anything that's worthwhile is always full or wrong turns, dead ends, and sometimes dark despair. But remember that makes it all the sweeter when you do finally arrive!

My Hope Is Found In My Love, Not In The Degree Of My Grieving.

Are there benefits to us in grieving? Consider:  We get a lot of attention and sympathy from friends. Grief can be an excuse-to ourselves and others-not to continue with responsibilities we'd as soon be without. Grief-can make us feel we have stayed close to the one we loved. After all, the loved one's dying was our last connection, and why wouldn't we want to hold on?? Are we clinging to grief for attention's sake? Yes, we want to stay close to the one we've lost, but it's the person we need to hold in our hearts and minds. Dwelling on the loss can get in the way of our doing that.
My Hope is Found in My Love, Not in the Degree of My Grieving...

Let Your Tears Flow. Let Them Water Your Soul.

Letting down our guard, releasing the tension that keeps us always on task, often invites our tears, tears that soften us, melt our resistance, reveal our vulnerability, which reminds us that we are only human. So often we need reminding that we are only human.
Do not hide from your tears. Trust their need to be present. Perhaps they need to be present for someone else, as well as ourselves. Tears encourage compassion; maybe our purpose in life, today, is to help someone else experience compassion...

Navigating Through Grief..Which Path to Choose...

As I walk this walk of grief recovery, I will take my time. I will be alert to the road signs. I will watch for other travelers of the way who may need my help, just as I need theirs.

Is There an End to Love and Mourning?

No, not to either. And that's the comfort, I suppose-that though we don't ever "get over" a major loss, we don't "get over" the love we shared with that person, either- a love that, in ways we will come to know, stays with us and continues to enrich our life over the years. We need not confuse the mourning with the image of the person we loved. If we allow them to overlap too much, then we cannot let go of the mourning because we would lose the loved one, too. But they are different, and we will do better with our lives if, as soon as we are able, we make a conscious separation of the loved person from the grief over his or her loss. Each has its place, but they don't always need to blend together.
Though I know my memory of my loved one will always carry a tinge of sadness, I will be able to put that in the background-if I choose to..