Thursday, October 1, 2015

Death or Divorce: Which is Worse?

In death we confront the finality of our loved one. In divorce, though we don't generally really wish our partner dead, we sometimes realize that life would be easier if that were the case. And those feelings add to our confusion, our guilt, and our difficulties co-parenting.
Self esteem will take a hit. Legal battles may rage on for years. Logistical nightmares (shuttling kids) may wear us out. And friends? Often, they desert. Lack of finances and child support seem to be unending.
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
We grieve for lost love. For what could or should have been. We grieve for the loss of a family dynamic, a familiar family unit. The parting that takes place in divorce can often times be as final as death.
There is no right or wrong way to work through your individual emotional phases.These phases may include denial, anger, depression, numbness, bargaining, disorganization, and acceptance. While these phases are usually associated with death, they hold just as true for divorce. Give them validation and this often times will move you farther along your unique path of grief.
Be prepared for unexpected triggers in the future, months or even years after you thought you were through with them and had moved past the pain. Common triggers include hearing a song on the radio you and your partner both loved, or witnessing your partner with someone new. Painful memories are all stored in the same part of the brain so these reminders of hurtful events can open the floodgates to the familiar pain of grief and loss.  By expecting these occasional relapses and remembering that there is not a completion date to your grief, you allow your emotions to flow through the phases at their own pace. You may repeat some of these phases over and over again. Your mind knows what it needs and will process the information until it reaches some level of acceptance, allowing you to move beyond the grief and turn the first page on the new chapter in your life.
You are a unique person and you are suffering, coping, and moving forward. Society often demonstrates more compassion when it comes to death.  Death and divorce both involve life altering change which we treat respectfully in one case and callously in the other. Loss itself  is the great leveler and those who walk through the door of divorce must be also met with compassion and love.
Grief of any kind is a journey, not a destination, and we move forward, one step at a time.

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