Why We Rehearse Tragedies in Our Minds

All of us have experienced anxiety at some time or another. This is normal. But it becomes an issue when we let our negative thoughts have too much power. We can no longer distinguish between a problem-solving thought and a nagging worry that has no benefit. We might start with the thought of being late for work, then we'll lose our job, then we'll have no money to pay bills, etc. etc.

Mindfulness teaches us to recognize when we are having those type of thoughts and realize exactly what they are. Just thoughts. Not a part of who we are. Learning the art of mindfulness will help you learn to control your thinking and focus on what is happening now. At this moment. Because you learn to focus your attention and eliminate the stream of jumbled thoughts crowding your mind and causing stress. This process results in enhanced physical and emotional well-being. It allows you to observe your thoughts and emotions and let them pass without judgment..

Meditation is an umbrella term for the many ways to a relaxed state of being. They all share the same goal of achieving inner peace.

Ways to meditate include:
Guided meditation, mantra meditation, mindfulness meditation, Qi gong, Tai chi, Yoga, and Transcendental meditation.

The sense of peace and calm you experience as a result of this practice benefits your overall health. And these benefits don't end when your session ends. Meditation will help carry you more calmly through your day. And the next. So make it a part of your daily routine.

Meditation teaches you how to control your thoughts and make sense of them. So the next time you find yourself focusing on something that has brought you much unhappiness, a tragedy in your life,

Meditate.

Become an observer in your own life.

Just Breathe.

10 Things To Let Go for 2016

This upcoming New Year can be the best you've ever had. This can be the year when you finally feel content .Here are a few things to release and help you start the New Year out with a bang..

1.  Spending more than you have. Set a budget for yourself so you don't feel guilty and overwhelmed.
2.  Overindulging with food and alcohol. Keep fruit, sparkling water, and healthy food on hand.
     Always. Don't buy the foods you binge on. Chips, chocolate, sugary snacks.
3.  Trying to do too much.  Cut back on commitments and pick the events you really want to do.
4.  Regretting the past.  The past is over. Focus on being productive and having fun.
5.  Taking things personally. You aren't the cause of other people's behavior. Let it go and move on.
6.  Self critical thinking.  Choose to only focus on what you know is positive and good about yourself.
7.  Taking the people you love for granted.  Make them the centerpiece of your life.
8.  Neglecting your physical and emotional health.  Eat well, workout, meditate, and make yourself a priority.
9.  Letting fear rule you.  Use your good judgment and wisdom, rather than your fear, when making choices for your life.
10. Seeking happiness outside of yourself. Happiness is a mindset. A mindset of positivity will help you move through hard times quickly.

Make sure your mind is clear, your heart is ready, and you have the positive mindset to achieve your goals and dreams for the new year.

Learning to let go is the first step in self-creation.

Make 2016 YOUR year. The year you accomplish more than you ever imagined!

Faith and Grief

We all need to grieve the physical finality of losing a loved one and face the reality that we will not see that person again in this life. But the spiritual life goes on. If your loved one was a Christian, not only will you see him again in the life to come, but he or she is now in the Lord's presence, with no more pain, fear, or sorrow.                                                                       
Use your pain to end the pain.  Avoiding grieving will eventually lead to some form of depression or physical issues. Fully experiencing your pain will help provide relief . Remember that God encourages you to mourn.
Now more than ever is the time to lean on your spiritual habits. Look beyond your grief to an eternity with God. All the heart-breaking pains of life in a broken world will some day come to an end. You have a bright future that does not include sadness and death.
Reinvest your emotional energy in other relationships. God, old friends, new friends, family and support groups all help provide a sense of purpose and comfort.
Spiritual transformation and growth will follow your journey of grief. Your journey will give you greater strength and deeper hope.
The beauty in life may lie in its mystery and the unknown. That is why it is important to have faith and look at the world each day with love and gratitude.
Maybe it is OK to not have all the answers. To not know everything. Perhaps our purpose in this life is so very basic.
To learn to love.

Understanding Teen Depression

Whether the incidences of teen depression are actually increasing, or we're just becoming more aware of them, the fact remains that depression is more common in teens than most people think. Although depression is treatable, only one in five depressed teens receive help. Teenagers must rely on parents, teachers, or other adults to recognize their suffering and get them treatment. So, if you have a teenager in your life, learn what teen depression looks like and what to do if you spot the warning signs.

Warning signs and symptoms of depression in teens:

Sadness, irritability, frequent crying, withdrawal from friends and family, loss of interest in activities, changes in eating and sleeping habits, agitation, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, lack of motivation, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, thoughts of suicide.

If you're unsure if an adolescent is depressed or just "being a teenager," consider how long the symptoms have been present, how severe they are, and how different the teen is acting from his or her usual self. While some growing pains are to be expected as teenagers struggle with the challenges of growing up, dramatic, long-lasting changes in personality, mood or behavior are red flags of a deeper problem.

Depression is very damaging when left untreated, so don't wait and hope the symptoms go away. If you see depression's warning signs, get professional help. If there are no health problems that are causing your teenager's depression, ask your doctor to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in children and teens. A mental health professional with advanced training and experience treating adolescents is the best bet for their care. If the teenager tells you they are not connecting with their specialist, listen. Ask for a referral and try someone else. No one therapist is a miracle worker..

Failure Free New Year's Resolutions

Tired of the same old failed New Year's Resolutions? I totally get it. I am too. I'm not getting out of debt or becoming an amazing person. But there are some things that we can look forward to accomplishing. It's all about making your list of resolutions attainable...

1.  Finish a chap-stick. Hold on to it for 6 months or longer. Keep it out of the laundry and the trash. It actually does run out.

2.  Grow a plant.  Plant something and watch it grow. Think of it as a fish. Chia pets count.

3.  Take a nap instead of work.  Learning to not feel guilty is the key. Make sure no one can see you.

4.  Take a selfie that doesn't look like your grandmother. This one is hard. You may need to take several hundred to find a flattering angle.

5.  Don't save your fortune cookie message. When have you ever hunted it down for reassurance?

6.  When you find something funny on social media, don't reply with lol!, an emoji, or lmao. Enough already.. Use your words.

7.  Don't send a text to someone within a 10 foot radius. If they can hear you, shut it down..

8.  Check your breathing more than your facebook. (Reading this doesn't count)

9.  Stop asking dumb questions to Siri. She's not real.

10.  Do not think you are above autocorrect. Resolve to use it, but double check as it often changes your message to something quite funny.

11.  Stop tagging your friends in your group photos. You always look good, they don't..

12.  Do laundry less often. It will wait for you..

13.  Vow to lose between one and ten thousand pounds. This gives you lots of leeway.

14.  Don't fall victim to infomercials at 2 am. Don't do it. It's late and you're tired. The product doesn't work, that's why it's on at 2 am.

15.  Be a part of the human journey. Be a better person than you were yesterday, be accepting and tolerant of those with different views and outlooks on life. We are all human and have an obligation to show love and compassion for one another!

Wishing You the Best Year Ever in 2016!!!!!
  

Grief and the Holidays

 

Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They generally represent time spent with family. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? Holidays magnify the loss. You can and will get through them. You don't have to be a victim of the pain or the past.
Here are some things to help you whether you are grieving the loss of a parent, friend, pet, spouse, or child.
Don't ask too much of yourself.  Ask for help. You'll get it. People want to help but don't expect them to know how. They'll be thankful they could do something for you.
Change traditions.  Create new traditions that make sense for the reshaped family you have become. You will begin to look forward to these traditions.
Find ways to include the ones you have lost.  Say a prayer about your loved one, light a candle, share stories, chat online about them, create an online tribute for them.
Practice self-care.  Don't do more than you want. Allow time for your feelings. Take frequent naps. Leave and go for a walk.  Recognize when you need some "me" time and act on it.
Allow yourself to experience joy.  Plan for sadness and embrace it when it comes. Walk right into the pain rather than try to hold it off. You will laugh again and during a holiday the love of family and friends can't help but make you smile. Your laughter will be the greatest gift you can give them.

May memories of your loved one bring you happiness during this holiday season.


Neurogenesis: Stuff to do to Boost Your Brain

What is neurogenesis anyway and what's all the buzz about? Neurogenesis is simply the birth of new neurons in your brain. It has been assumed that you are born with a fixed number and you can't reproduce new ones after maturity of your brain. Not true. There several things you can do to boost your brain.

Meditation.  This is no longer viewed as some sort of "New Age" or "Hippie" trend  of the 60's. Most large corporations are providing classes on meditation and mindfulness to increase productivity and happiness amongst their employees. It's a tool that is so simple, yet so powerful. Find some regular activity that trains your mind to be still, fully present, and connected with yourself. Just like any activity, you need to practice it daily to fully reap the benefits in your life. Meditation is a wonder drug that constantly needs to be refilled.

Exercise.  Cardio exercise such as running, interval training, swimming, etc. is the most effective way of boosting nuerogenesis. Exercise has a long list of health benefits for the mind and body, and is also an important stress reliever. This becomes more important as we age.

 Diet.  Too much refined sugar has a huge effect on the brain. Avoid it. Your brain is 60% fat and the right fats are important for healthy brain function.  Rich sources include oily fish, hemp, blueberries, green tea, and tumeric to name a few. 

Lifestyle.  Exposure to sunlight is important to increase serotonin levels in your brain. Ten minutes to the face can have a positive effect on your brain.
Long term sleep deprivation reduces nuerogenesis. Your brain can recover from short term deprivation but it's important not to make  it a habit.  Seven to nine hours per night is optimal.
Doing things you enjoy on a regular basis is beneficial for brain function and helps elevate levels of feel good neurons. Plan something that makes you happy on a daily basis.

Nuerogenesis is the cutting edge topic of research. We have to power  keep depression and anxiety at bay and maintain healthy brain function well into old age.

Growing yourself new brain cells will help you live a longer, happier, and healthier life. Nuerogenisis can help you live your life with more joy, compassion, gratitude, and of course, love.

Accept What Is-Don't Judge as Good or Bad

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness, is the difficulty we have in accepting things as they are. Without judgement, without wishing things were different. Human nature wishes for something better. But the root of our unhappiness isn't that we want things to be different; it's that we decided we didn't like it in the first place. We've judged it as bad. It's not bad or good, it just is.

It's not to say to expect things to go wrong, but to expect things to go differently that you had planned and to embrace that. It is negative only if you see it as negative. If you judge it as bad.

You could accept it as the way the world works-as the way things actually are and try to understand why they're that way.

Change things not because you can't accept things as they are, but because you enjoy the process of change, of learning and growing. The world is just what it is- and that's neither good nor bad. You can continue to try to do things to help others, to grow as a person, to make a difference in the world-not because youre' a bad person now, but because that's the path you choose to take, because you enjoy that path.

We can only face our own individual challenges with as much ease and grace to discover what we're meant to do: to be ourselves, follow our destiny, and realize what' truly important-love.

Are You Resilient? How Do You Handle Your Grief?

Resilience is a combination of your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. It is not something you either have or you don't. You can work on being more resilient by acquiring tools to help you get through tough times. It does not mean you are shoving your emotions under the rug or ignoring feelings. It means that your body and mind are finding ways to help you return to normal after experiencing trauma. It keeps you stabilized through your grieving and eventually helps you gain personal strength. You are not ignoring the negative emotions but rather allowing positive ones to flow as well.
A big part of being resilient comes from the support of your friends, family and community. Resilient people not only rely on their own strength,  but also the strength of others to help them through tough times. This support system is the best tool to regain a well-adjusted, healthy life.
It is true that many people experience positive changes and growth after a trauma. It is not the actual event itself that does this. It is the process of persevering and growing in the face of adversity. After experiencing trauma, your body and mind are called on to do the most difficult thing--heal. This is what gives us confidence that we can overcome any difficult situation and teaches us skills that we can use daily-for the rest of our lives.
Growth after trauma is common, but it doesn't mean that the healing process is any easier. It is still grief and it still requires suffering and strength to get through it. It  provides hope that there are positive outcomes to even the most tragic of situations. And  it is important to realize, suffering and growth can coexist.

Your Story Matters. You Matter.

Each of our stories matter. Not just the good part with the happy, fairytale endings, but the good, bad and the ugly. Our whole story.
Because, life matters. Every part of it is a learning opportunity. So tell it. Validate it. Learning from your story reveals your character. It shows what areas of your life you need healing in (grief, abuse, tragedies, unresolved emotions.)
If we are not learning as we live life, what are we doing with the valuable wisdom that is available to us and that could also help others? Your wisdom comes from your life experiences. Others can learn from that.
The key to healing from traumatic stress is the telling of your own story. Your body naturally begins healing as your mind tries to make sense of it all. Your recovery process will be stronger if you can reconstruct and evaluate your life. And one of the most powerful ways toward this reconstruction is through your story-your personal narrative.
Human beings have a basic need to understand. To be heard. Some have a knack for processing experiences and events in their own mind, while others struggle. But we all have a personal narrative that offers us a chance for not just understanding, but for the reorganization of our sense of self. A self that was once wounded, broken, frightened or lost- but can now be reclaimed. The power of telling your story allows you to transform the foreign into the familiar-making the unspeakable speakable. 
Your narrative is yours and yours alone, It can bring you awareness and much needed closure.
The power that comes from your own personal life story not only describes you, it defines and shapes you. Embrace what your struggles have taught you and celebrate what strengths they have given you. Share it with others. You may just be the inspiration they need.

What I've Learned Through Grief

It's like an ocean, some days calm, other days, the waves hit hard and knock me down.
It's possible to ask "Why?" a million times a day and never get an answer.
At first I did not think I would survive, but with family,  friends, and faith I came to grips with the pain of grief.
Birthdays and holidays will always be hard. Find a different way to look at things and let go. They will come around every year. Learning to cope is part of the grieving journey.
You'll wonder how people can go on with their lives. Don't they know what has happened? Then you'll realize how unreasonable you're being.
You will learn who your real friends are. You'll be surprised to find they're not who you expected.
You may resort to using Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviors. (S.T.E.R.B.'s)  drinking, over or under eating, excessive shopping or exercising, workaholism, sleeping too much or too little, drugs, etc. These are behaviors that only keep you from dealing with your grief.
It's OK to cry yourself to sleep. It's also OK not to cry. Every day is different.
Guilt is something you will experience. Let it pass as quickly as possible.
You will experience pain smack in the middle of your heart and is literally your heart breaking.  That pain will fade eventually.
You must talk about your grief. It's the best therapy. Share your memories, honor them, remember them, love them.
It's normal to always feel sad. Someone you love is gone. Eventually it will be OK.
Sometimes you need to just say NO. If you don't want to, then don't. Do what's right for you and no one else.
Focus on living in the moment. You can't go back and change what has happened. Accept that and move on. That is a choice only you can make. Make it. See how much better you feel. Focus on your new life and  others around you. You have something to offer them because of your experiences.
What has your journey through grief taught you?

Inside The Minds of Those Who Kill, and Kill Themselves

Setting aside the debate over access to guns, trying to understand the actions of a mass murderer has us grasping for answers..settling on a diagnosis that the shooter was probably a psychopath-cold, unfeeling, heartless.
Recent studies of the writings of mass killers come to a different conclusion. The gunmen suffered from an intense form of paranoia. Far from being cold or detached, these young men were enraged, their delusions of persecution becoming ever more intense and intolerable. They become fixated and obsessed with rejection by what they see as an elite " in-group," whom they see as having unfairly achieved success. They formulate plans to take out these elite, which they justify as vengeance for the maltreatment.
Other characteristics these killers seem to share are extreme narcissism, loners, a desire for fame, glory and attention.
Mental health experts who study mass murder-suicides found that depression and thoughts of suicide  are common, but not enough to explain such drastic and rare acts. There is something fundamentally different here aside from depression.
They want to die, and they want to bring many others down with them. For some, the targets are the purpose of their attack. In other cases, the purpose of the attack is primarily to gain notoriety, and the targets become the means to that end. They are collateral damage.
Domestic murder-suicides are almost always impulsive-committed in fits of rage or jealousy, and a majority of the killers also abused alcohol or drugs. In contrast, killers who take groups of strangers as targets plan their crimes carefully, waiting for an opportunity to act. They seem concerned about keeping a clear mind for the task ahead.. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day..
Dylan Klebold, 17, of Columbine High bragged that his goal was to cause the most deaths in U.S. history.
 If authorities had known what had driven him to carry out his plan, they may not have made it public.
Perhaps not publicizing these horrific crimes is something to consider...

Death or Divorce: Which is Worse?

In death we confront the finality of our loved one. In divorce, though we don't generally really wish our partner dead, we sometimes realize that life would be easier if that were the case. And those feelings add to our confusion, our guilt, and our difficulties co-parenting.
Self esteem will take a hit. Legal battles may rage on for years. Logistical nightmares (shuttling kids) may wear us out. And friends? Often, they desert. Lack of finances and child support seem to be unending.
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
We grieve for lost love. For what could or should have been. We grieve for the loss of a family dynamic, a familiar family unit. The parting that takes place in divorce can often times be as final as death.
There is no right or wrong way to work through your individual emotional phases.These phases may include denial, anger, depression, numbness, bargaining, disorganization, and acceptance. While these phases are usually associated with death, they hold just as true for divorce. Give them validation and this often times will move you farther along your unique path of grief.
Be prepared for unexpected triggers in the future, months or even years after you thought you were through with them and had moved past the pain. Common triggers include hearing a song on the radio you and your partner both loved, or witnessing your partner with someone new. Painful memories are all stored in the same part of the brain so these reminders of hurtful events can open the floodgates to the familiar pain of grief and loss.  By expecting these occasional relapses and remembering that there is not a completion date to your grief, you allow your emotions to flow through the phases at their own pace. You may repeat some of these phases over and over again. Your mind knows what it needs and will process the information until it reaches some level of acceptance, allowing you to move beyond the grief and turn the first page on the new chapter in your life.
You are a unique person and you are suffering, coping, and moving forward. Society often demonstrates more compassion when it comes to death.  Death and divorce both involve life altering change which we treat respectfully in one case and callously in the other. Loss itself  is the great leveler and those who walk through the door of divorce must be also met with compassion and love.
Grief of any kind is a journey, not a destination, and we move forward, one step at a time.

Dealing With Anger and Guilt After a Suicide

After losing a loved one to suicide, it's not uncommon to struggle with feelings of anger and guilt. It's normal to feel anger towards your loved one who committed suicide at the same time that you feel overwhelming grief over your loss. They made a devastating choice that will impact the rest of your life, leaving you to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath. Who wouldn't be angry??
It's also normal to feel guilty after catching yourself feeling anger towards your loved one. What you feel guilty about is your anger. You are not angry at the person who committed suicide, you are angry about the choice they made to end their life, leaving you behind with all the pain and hurt.
You are angry at the choice, not the person. It was your loved one that made that choice, not you. Had you know that they were going to make that choice, you would have done what you could to stop it. But you didn't know..
 Accept that you can't change what happened and you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. If you are burdening yourself with misplaced guilt, you are confining yourself to an emotional prison.
These bars are made of guilt, anger, bitterness and resentment. That kind of prison locks from the inside. The only one that can let you out is you.
You wake up every morning and choose what to think. Accept what has happened and know that the life you have today, tomorrow and the next day is a function of what you choose.
You experienced a devastating loss, but you didn't choose it. Give yourself permission to move on. With time and patience, your initial grief will subside and with this resolve comes an opportunity for a deeper healing.  The transition of your loved one will bring about opportunities for emotional and psychological healing as well as spiritual growth. This spiritual growth may be just what you need to help ease your grieving heart and transform a difficult time into a spiritually meaningful experience.

Why You Can't Let Go of Your Grief

There are losses you never get over. They break you to pieces and you can never go back to being the whole person you once were. Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so all-consuming. Your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no boundaries.
If your loved one died in a sudden or unexpected way, somewhere inside you is a voice asking what you might have done differently that would have changed what happened.
The truth is that the factors that influence the course of all our lives are much bigger  than what we did or did not do. To hold yourself accountable for any reason is to deny the greater context in which life happens, and this is a dangerous choice to make. It will eat a hole in your spirit that you can never fill.
You hang on to your grief to make sure you never forget your loved one. The sadness is all you have left and you begin to cherish it. That way, you will never forget. You hold your grief tightly within your body and feed it all the love you have left. So that it stays, so you can be closer to death yourself. It can never sneak up on you again, because it never left your doorstep.
So when you are expected back at work or at social events, you attend for others and pretend. You pretend it doesn't crush you when their birthday comes around or when you're at a holiday table glaring at an empty chair. You must not cry when at the grocery store when you buy the steaks that only your loved one ate.
The worst type of crying isn't the kind that everyone sees. No, the worst kind happens when your soul weeps no matter what you are doing. You don't expect it and you can't control it.
You are missing a piece of yourself that no one else can really see. You will never forget the love, the adventure, the grandiosity of the effect that our loved one had on your life and your character. 
But a time comes when you must move forward. One small step at at a time. Trust there is more ahead of you and your life truly does has meaning and purpose. Search for it. Search your soul and begin to cherish your new life. Move forward knowing you will never forget the most important thing that has happened to you. Ever..

There is no Map of Grief

There are many lists of trite advice you can read about grief, but they may only add to your confusion about why you can't sync your feelings with the grief map created by our culture. This map tells you what is normal, but that doesn't apply to you. It was designed to keep the engine of our cultural machine running. It requires your numbness. It asks you to do your grieving in the three days allotted by your employer.
Refuse to be numb. You are not a machine. There is no time limit on how long you should be sad about your loss. Days, weeks, months, and years are meaningless.
Your heart has been badly broken and know that you never completely get over the loss of your loved one. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And yet you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you still learn to dance with the limp.
Grief teaches us about who we are. Grief has a way of showing us just how deep our aliveness goes. If you have been sitting on old grief from your childhood, your failed relationships, the loss of a family pet when your were nine, or any other losses you were unable to honor in the past, this left-over  grief will also come through as you grieve. Let it.
Grief is the gift that cannot die. It changes the course of your life forever. If you allow yourself the chance to feel it for as long as you need to-you will be guided by it. You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way your loved one lives on, in you.

Depression Will Not Go Away On Its Own

Depression is a serious mental illness that can cause both emotional and physical pain to millions of children, teens and adults. Using a combination of therapies and other medicinal approaches are often the best ways to learn how to fight depression. Unfortunately, only about 20% of individuals suffering from depression seek help. Most don't even know they have it or if they do, they don't want deal with it, much less talk about it.
Depression will not go away on its own.. It needs to be addressed or will likely become worse.
The most effective ways to fight depression are:
Therapy.  Trained therapists or psychologists will help figure out the emotional turmoil you are struggling with that might be the cause of your depression. These life struggles or tragedies include death, divorce, and poor self esteem..Learning to work through these struggles, accept them and move on is all part of treating depression.
Antidepressants and Herbal Remedies.  Some people find success in treating their depression by taking depression meds or herbal remedies, however, these meds do not work for everyone and cannot be taken with other medications so it's important to talk to your physician about this option. Recent studies about the side effects of Paxil;  insomnia, anxiety, seizure, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts, especially in teens, led the FDA to issue a black box warning label be put on this drug stating the increased risk of suicidal thought in teens taking it. Paxil withdrawal syndrome is known to be the most severe withdrawal for drugs in it's class.
Exercise and Nutrition.  Exercise releases endorphins and other hormones which elevate mood, making it a great way to fight depression. Like working out, getting nutrients through food and liquids you ingest is another way to fight depression. A balanced diet helps balance your hormones and keep your weight under control. Blood sugar stabilization is important to control mood.
Talking and Writing Therapy.  Keeping a journal of what makes you happy helps you to focus on the positive as well as getting things off your chest so you can analyze your situation. It may not be as bad as it seems..
Talking through your feelings with a professional, friends, or family members will help you process your emotions so you can let them go. You can learn to live in the present, and let go of your past.
Try your hardest to focus on the positive. Remind yourself about the good things you have going in your life!

Finding Your Sacred Place

One of the most frustrating things in life is having to deal with something that is out of your control. It may feel like you're giving up, but it's important to recognize when something is out of your hands, stressing over it is a waste of your time and energy. Just as fighting against the reality of the pain of losses in your life will only create suffering. Especially is you are a Type A personality; anything that doesn't go according to your plan may seem like a huge disaster. Take a moment to think about all of the times in your life when something unexpected led you to something great. Being more open to change and mistakes will allow you to see hidden blessings and take advantage of those opportunities. Look up and move forward.
Think of yourself as a boat. You are not affected by the water around you, but when the water gets inside the boat, it will start to sink.
Use this concept when you're trying to understand how to deal with your grief. The water around you represents all your negative thoughts and emotions. Some your own, others from those around you. It is when you allow the negativity to enter inside, you feel like you are sinking.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Find a sacred place deep in your soul that is just for you and your personal peace and happiness. Like the water, all the negatives thoughts and feelings are around you and you must work at keeping them at bay. It is when you allow this negativity to enter your sacred place, you start to live out the negativity which keeps you from recovering from your pain and living a peaceful, happy life.
Remember that you grow from the experiences when you are down low in the valley. Just like a mountain, the higher you go, the less life around you.
Take the first step in learning to control your thoughts. Strive to always be in calm waters.
You CAN learn to be happy by relying on your sacred  place . It is just for you..

Grief and the Practice of Mindfulness

Everyone grieves differently so have different physical and emotional feelings during the grieving process. Grief can become a tool for an awakening to a greater understanding and insight into the truth of life. When someone we loves dies, it is almost like an initiation to that insight. As we experiences the intensity of physical and emotional anguish, it becomes so intense that there is no way to avoid the raw experience of human pain.
The more we can remain "open" and mindfully experience the pain of grief, the greater the possibility of overcoming its effects. Meditations can be extremely helpful during this time of bereavement. If we are mindful there is less tendency to delay the inevitable task of accepting the reality of the death and experiencing its pain. The more we avoids these tasks, the greater the tendency to experience disturbing emotions, thoughts, and develop avoidance behaviors that can linger indefinitely.
The best way to let go is to grieve. It takes courage to grieve, to honor the pain we carry. We can grieve in tears or in meditative silence, in prayer, or in song.
To mediate on grief, let yourself sit alone or with a friend. Take the time to create an atmosphere of support. Begin by sensing your breath. Feel your breathing in the area of your chest. Take one hand and hold it gently on your heart as if you were holding a vulnerable human being. You are.
As you continue to breathe, bring to mind the loss and pain you are grieving. Let the story, the images, the feelings come naturally. Hold them gently. Take your time. Let the feelings come layer by layer, a little at a time.
Keep breathing softly. Let whatever feelings are there; pain, tears, anger, love, fear and sorrow, come as they will. Touch them gently. Let them unravel out of your body and mind. Make space for any images that arise. Allow the whole story. Breathe and hold it all with compassion. Kindness for it all, for you and for others.
Hold it gently. Let it be honored. You do not have to keep it in anymore.
Processing the grief we carry is a long, tear-filled process. Yet it follows the natural intelligence of the body and heart. Trust it, and let it unfold. Along with meditation, some of your grief will want to be written, cried out, sung, and heard. As all this is done in time, it becomes evident that the experience of grief cannot be resolved by anyone other than the experiencer-  You.

"Facebook Depression" in Teens

"Facebook depression" is one of the risk factors that teens may face with overexposure to social media. It's an affliction that results from establishing a presence on social networking sites, spending a great deal of time on these sites and then feeling unaccepted among peers online. Similar to depression in the offline world due to lack of acceptance, Facebook depression can cause anxiety and withdrawal, as well as a propensity towards engaging in risky activities such as substance abuse and other self-destructive behaviors.
Studies have found that the interaction teens have on social networking sites is on the rise with 22% of teenagers logging onto their favorite social media sites more than 10 times a day!
 With 75% of teens owning cell phones, a large part of this generation's social and emotional development is occurring while on the Internet and on cell phones. Along with Facebook depression, other dangers of increased exposure to social media include cyberbullying, sexting, and exposure to inappropriate content.
There are many things a parent can do to help mitigate these risks:
First, no kids under the age of 13 should be on Facebook at all.
When your kids are of age, constant communication with them and getting familiar with their online habits as well as setting a good example of how to use social media is crucial.
Set ground rules for your kids. Shut it down at a required time daily.
Before you unplug all the computers in your house and cancel your Internet service, there are benefits of social media interaction including, developing a teen's sense of self, expansion of online connections and opportunities for community engagement. It's important to be a part of your child's social media world. It's not going away any time soon. In fact, the options will only expand.

Men are Dying Because They Can't Talk

Every country in the world has seen male suicides outstrip female ones, and it's because men are silent and reluctant to seek help. The socialization of men is based on homophobia, sexism and pressure from media and peers who support these mindsets. From birth, they are told to be strong, to be unshakable, and never display any kind of sensitivity or weakness, lest you be branded "gay", "sad" or a variety of other disparaging prejudiced terms that are considered feminine and like a woman. Men are being taught to think that being open about their emotions and mental health is an engagement in identifying with a gender identity other than their own-men don't do this. Only women.
Men are taught that they have a Breaking Point, and that involves anything from a bar brawl to domestic violence.They are taught that violence is conflict resolution, and that uncorking themselves and venting is something that happens when it cannot be stopped, not when it can.
Mental health's biggest challenge is to get people to talk-to stop the silence. Silence is death. Silence is self-harm. Silence is smiling through your pain .Silence is not bravery when it comes to mental health. We need to address the mental health benefits and positive masculinity of men expressing themselves, whether it's social media discussion or the narrative of a TV show.
Toxic posts and books that suggest that men and women are simply "wired" differently suggest that women should cater to the emotional shortcoming of men in order to avoid conflict. This is a problem- it dismisses the mental illness issue and reinforces the male stereotype that men don't have real feelings.
This isn't about coming out about your mental health to your friends at the bar-there are actual, professional, free resources on the NHS  (National Health Service) that are available. Private mental health professionals are an option too. You can be healed while taking small steps towards being more open about how you feel outside the therapist' room.
Men do things because they want to be strong. To not die. To live. So talk. Seek help. Even quietly. Push back against stereotypes and prejudice that keep men silent. This goes for everyone, not just men.

I'll Lend You a Child

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, he said."
For you to love-while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or forty six or three, but will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his smiles to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise Beau will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked this world over in search of teachers true, and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor count the labor vain, Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard then say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done." For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter Beau with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me...

Dying is not like you see on TV. It is not peaceful or prepared. It is too real.
You can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
A hospital death is not always a bad death. A home death is not always a good death.
There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death.
Death is not an emergency. Take your time to step back and say goodbye.
Be prepared for awkward encounters. Death makes people uncomfortable.
People will bring you food because they don't know what else to do. Don't feel bad throwing it away.
Death brings out the best and the worst in families. Be prepared.
There is no such thing as closure.
You will grieve, in some form, forever. That's okay.
Guilt, anger, and regret are all a normal part of grief.
Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. This a a good thing.
However badly you think it is going to hurt, it may be a million times worse.
The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind.
Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn't helpful.
You grieve your past, present, and future with that person.
Grief triggers are everywhere. This may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
You may lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, and trust.
People will tell you what you should and shouldn't feel and how you should and shouldn't grieve. Ignore them.
It is normal to fell numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves.
The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
People love to judge how you are doing. Ignore them.
It is okay to cry. It is okay NOT to cry.
Time does NOT heal all wounds.
 Grief re-writes your address book. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.
Face you emotions.You can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

Beyond the Casserole

The greatest gift we can give a griever is our complete attention, which requires few words. Not just our mental attention but our intuitive attention as well, noticing body language, facial expressions, tears, sighs, and silence just as if they too are words. They don't expect earthshaking advice, but rather for you to be a witness to their own processes. A heart with ears.
 Let go of the desire to fix the other person or the need to make them feel better. All that inner attention robs the griever of your full attention. Deep listening replaces the fear of the "don't know what to say" syndrome. Just be present. Be a witness. Be the calm in the storm. Be willing to laugh when they need to laugh. Be willing to allow tears when they need to cry. Open your heart to the experience in spite of the possible pain. This type of support helps to create a sacred space for them to heal in their own way and in their own time. At a time when loneliness can be painfully intense, your visit may be their only source of peace.

The Grief Police (They Live Inside Your Head)

If you are grieving something, a lost opportunity, a loved one, the end of a relationship, failing health..whatever your are grieving, look at the rules that the grief police might be trying to enforce. Should you be over it by now? Will you be bringing up your loss every time we get together? Can you talk of nothing else, ever?
We each do grief in our own way...grief is personal and different and doesn't move in a predictable way through our lives...Know that there will be people that have a set of rules about the timeline of grief and don't allow those rules to beat yourself up.
The way you do grief is yours, you own it. It can't be measured by a book, an article, or anyone else.
Look at the ways you are drawn to grief. Are you a friend or family member of someone who is grieving? Just listen, show up, and have no judgement. Just listen... You can't fix it... And they don't want you to!

Tell Your Story

An important part of healing from your grief is to tell your story. Over and over again..Because if you were really able to fully grasp the magnitude of what happened, you would most likely not be able to survive.
It's just too much.
So, your spirit, your mind, and your body protects you by allowing the truth to sink in slowly over time. At a pace you can live with.
And it's in telling the story of what happened over and over again that you are able to see and come to deal with the truth of what happened.
It's important to comb through the details, relive the sights and sounds. Go ahead and ask, "What if and Why didn't I and If only?"
Nothing is off limits. Turn over every scenario so that no part of the experience is locked behind a closed door. It's painful at first. But keep on telling your story. Because telling the story is a path to healing. And one day you discover that you can't tell it. Not one more time.You just can't do it.
This is what healing feels like!

Welcome to Your Breathing Space

Do you find yourself having a conversation with your grief even before you get out of bed in the morning? That is a sure sign that you're still prioritizing grief over life.You're welcoming the new day with grief in mind. When grief is the first experience of your day, fear will also join in.
It's important to find breathing space and  pay attention to life as soon as you wake up. Grab your coffee and go where you can spend ten minutes alone and in peace.
Welcome to your breathing space!
This space you're looking for-the place where you are alone-isn't really a physical location; it is a space within your body and mind that allows you to remove the weight of loss that you carry around with you. It is where you can set loss aside and think about your future.
A future where you feel alive, strong, grateful, compassionate, and loving.
Where is this place for you? If you recognize this place inside you, go there now. If not, find it. In your breathing space, you'll be called back to life. The more you practice finding it, the more the space will be with you all through your day. Just a breath away, if you need it..

Breaking the Cycle of Grief.

Have you ever noticed in your grieving that the place you keep visiting in your mind does not change? That the story your are reliving follows the same script, with the same ending? This script is called the infinite loop of loss. It's like being on a roller-coaster ride that carries you around and around without ever letting you off. The last ride is always as painful as the first. This is why it's so important to break the cycle of grief.
You must chose to put some space between your pain and your life. Choose to look at your life not only  through the eyes of grief. By establishing some distance between you and your pain, you learn to detach emotionally from the pain and discover ways to heal. By doing this you are no longer letting your loss and your pain define you. You need mental clarity so you can figure out where you are in your life at this moment, instead of where you imagine you are. It is important to experience the reality of life without the intense presence of your grief casting a dark shadow on the entire world around you. Even if your loss is recent, you may realize, by watching, that you still do have moments of authentic joy.
Here are some questions to reflect on that will help you begin the shift away from grief:
1.  When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first though that comes to mind, and how does this       thought make you feel?
2.  Where in your body is the feeling you are describing located?
3.  Is there a feeling you would like to experience instead?
4.  When you experience this new feeling, what would you like to have in your life?
5.  When you acknowledge what you would like to have, do feelings of unworthiness arise? Where do they
     come from?
6.  Most likely, your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. Why do you deserve the things you have
      identified?
Refer to these questions on a regular basis to help reinforce the neural pathways that help you see the world and your feelings objectively.
You can learn to look at your past in a brand-new way by stepping outside of your repetitive thoughts of grief. By thinking new thoughts and engaging in new activities and learning, you can exit the loop of loss!

How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?

We feel so bad when we are grieving that it is not a surprise when we wonder, "How long will I have this terrible pain? Will this suffering ever end?"
There are two kinds of time:
Chronos Time:    This is the kind of time measured by the calendar. Chronos time is counted in days, weeks, months, years. It is the kind of time measured by clocks. It is a physical time..
Kairos Time:    The time within which personal life moves forward. A result of moments of awakening or realization is measured in kairos time. It refers to a deepening process that results from our paying attention to the present moment where we are drawn inside the moment of our own story. Kairos is an unmeasured kind of time.
Don't measure your grief in chronos time! It's been a year, four years, I should be OK by now. To think that a certain amount of time has passed and we should be farther along in our grieving is a set up for wondering what is wrong with us.
What matters is kairos time. What insights have I had? What have I learned? What meaning am I making of my terrible loss?
The amount of time each of us takes to reach integration of our loss is usually longer rather than shorter.Our society suggests that grieving should be short. Many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member...
The good news is that healthy grieving does change you and your life. Know that you will feel alive again, probably wiser, quieter, and full of gratitude and a desire to contribute as a result of what you have been through.
All in good time...All in good kairos time!

When Your Pet Dies.

When someone close to us dies, our loss is usually met with sympathy, comfort, and offerings of sincere condolence. We are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to experience our emotions. But talk with pet owners who have had a dog get hit by a car or a cat euthanized and you will hear a different story .Most people do not understand the depth of their grief. Some even experience the gross insensitivity of a comment like, "Why don't you just get another pet?"
When we are grieving the loss of a beloved pet, we are actually mourning several losses:
The loss of unconditional love: Our pets provide us with emotional responses that are uninhibited by concern for how their expression appear to others. Many of our human relationships aren't that simple. Our pets do not judge our imperfection. They are all-accepting in ways few humans can achieve.
The loss of a protege: Having a pet is like being a parent. We are responsible for another life and go to great lengths to ensure their physical and emotional comfort. The loss of a pet can feel like the loss of a child.
The loss of a "life witness": Our pets allow us to express parts of ourselves that we may not let other humans see. During tough times, they provide us with security, stability and comfort.
The loss of routines: We must say goodbye to feeding time, walking routes, and calling on our pet when we wanted comfort and love.
It is important and necessary to mourn the loss of your pet! Be patient and kind with yourself. Your losses are real, painful, and evoke a variety of feelings and memories. Processing these feelings has no time frame. Create your own rituals for your pet. Hold a service at home or in a place special to you.
What would your pet do if he or she found you sad and in pain? Give you love, give you comfort, and stay with you as long as it took..
We can all learn a lesson from our animal friends!

Is Your Self-Talk Positive or Negative?

Here are some common forms of negative self-talk: 
Filtering. You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all the positive ones. You had a great day at work, filled with compliments. That evening, you focus on your plan to do even more and forget about the compliments you received.
Personalizing. When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. When an evening out is canceled, you assume it is because no one wanted to be around you.
Catastrophizing. You anticipate the worst. Your day starts out with a few snags and you think the rest of your day will be a disaster.
Polarizing.  You see things only as either good or bad. There is no middle ground. You are either perfect or a total failure.
You can learn to turn your thinking around!  Here are some ways to create the new habit of positive thinking:
Identify areas to change . Start small by focusing on one area to approach in a more positive way. Your job, relationship, daily tasks or commute.
Check yourself. Stop and evaluate what you're thinking. Find a way to put a positive spin on all your thoughts.
Be open to humor. Find humor in everyday events, including yourself.
Follow a healthy lifestyle. Get moving as it will affect your mood and reduce stress! Eat well to fuel your mind and body. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel...
Practice positive self-talk.  Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else.
With practice, your self-talk will help you become less critical of yourself, and the world around you!

When A Parent Dies.

Your mother or father has died. Most of us love our parents deeply. And they love you with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summon.
You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of one of the most significant people in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.
Your grief is unique. Grieve in your own way and in your own time. The parent-child bond is the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. Numbness, confusion, guilt, relief, and anger are just a few feelings you may have. They are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling ;don't judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. Find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief.
If you have siblings, the death of this parent may affect them differently than you. Each of them had their own unique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way. Expect some conflicts with your siblings as you may disagree about the memorial, family finances, etc. Or, perhaps you will experience a welcomed gift of the death bringing you and your siblings closer together. Grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest thing you have ever done.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of sadness will leave you fatigued and your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Nurture yourself. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.
Your parent lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends.Those memories may make you laugh or cry, they are a a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Your life will be changed forever. Embrace the blessings you receive along the way!

Becoming Bigger Than Yourself.

Your personal space is the small world you live in where you are the center of the universe. This is where most of us live most of the time. Have you ever made a statement and believe it's about you, only to have the person you are speaking to shift the focus to themselves? What matters most is how everything affects them personally.They are concerned with their own pleasure and comfort. This is why they may not exercise or eat only healthy food. This fear of being uncomfortable hampers their social lives as well as their love lives. They don't want to look bad, and are afraid of failing. So they don't tackle the tough things...
This level of self absorption is the problem in finding our lives purpose.
If we can learn to get outside ourselves and see things from a less self-centered approach, we can learn some amazing lessons.We can begin to see our personal desires are actually pretty trivial, and there's more to life than our little fears... including the pain and suffering of other people, compassion for all living beings, and knowing that we made a difference.. If we can try to focus on how to make the lives of others better, we become less self-centered, and everything begins to change. As we go about our daily lives, we can tie our actions to the betterment of others, giving us motivation on a moment-to-moment basis.This is what is important. A bigger purpose, Becoming Bigger Than Yourself, expanding your mind and heart. The life we have been given is a gift and there is nothing more fulfilling than making a difference in the lives of others!

Wrong Turns In Life.

Often in life, you might take a wrong turn, but at the time, you may not be aware that is IS a wrong turn. So you'll coast along for a while thinking that the scenery looks a bit different than what you expected, but at the time that seems okay. It may take ages, but suddenly you come up against an immovable boulder on the path, one that you can't go around. Or the road you are on dead ends. This is the moment of truth, when you realize not only that you took a wrong turn, but that you're going to have to retrace your steps. Your may feel so far from your destination that you panic, and you just can't believe that you wasted all this time!
Don't give yourself a hard time..If you think back and look really hard, there will be something positive that came out of your little detour.It doesn't matter that you made a side journey: it was just that-a side journey- and it won't prevent you from reaching your destination.Time passes and so does the moment. Soon you'll be back on the right path.Getting anything that's worthwhile is always full or wrong turns, dead ends, and sometimes dark despair. But remember that makes it all the sweeter when you do finally arrive!

My Hope Is Found In My Love, Not In The Degree Of My Grieving.

Are there benefits to us in grieving? Consider:  We get a lot of attention and sympathy from friends. Grief can be an excuse-to ourselves and others-not to continue with responsibilities we'd as soon be without. Grief-can make us feel we have stayed close to the one we loved. After all, the loved one's dying was our last connection, and why wouldn't we want to hold on?? Are we clinging to grief for attention's sake? Yes, we want to stay close to the one we've lost, but it's the person we need to hold in our hearts and minds. Dwelling on the loss can get in the way of our doing that.
My Hope is Found in My Love, Not in the Degree of My Grieving...

Let Your Tears Flow. Let Them Water Your Soul.

Letting down our guard, releasing the tension that keeps us always on task, often invites our tears, tears that soften us, melt our resistance, reveal our vulnerability, which reminds us that we are only human. So often we need reminding that we are only human.
Do not hide from your tears. Trust their need to be present. Perhaps they need to be present for someone else, as well as ourselves. Tears encourage compassion; maybe our purpose in life, today, is to help someone else experience compassion...

Navigating Through Grief..Which Path to Choose...

As I walk this walk of grief recovery, I will take my time. I will be alert to the road signs. I will watch for other travelers of the way who may need my help, just as I need theirs.

Is There an End to Love and Mourning?

No, not to either. And that's the comfort, I suppose-that though we don't ever "get over" a major loss, we don't "get over" the love we shared with that person, either- a love that, in ways we will come to know, stays with us and continues to enrich our life over the years. We need not confuse the mourning with the image of the person we loved. If we allow them to overlap too much, then we cannot let go of the mourning because we would lose the loved one, too. But they are different, and we will do better with our lives if, as soon as we are able, we make a conscious separation of the loved person from the grief over his or her loss. Each has its place, but they don't always need to blend together.
Though I know my memory of my loved one will always carry a tinge of sadness, I will be able to put that in the background-if I choose to..

A Gift of Grief

One of the things grief does for us is to sensitize us to the grief of others. At first this is not particular gift: we are too aware of our own sadness to think about the sorrows of others .But, sooner than we think, we will learn of people with grief like ours, and will reach out to them.
Maybe they will be people we already know. Maybe they will be strangers .But, if circumstances throw us together and we have a chance to talk, we will be strangers no more. We will know immediately the suffering each other is going through and we will be mutually strengthened and uplifted in this new relationship.
The story continues. As others who know out story experience their own tragedies, they will turn to us for help, and our empathy will give them comfort and hope. We will also be reminded of how far we have come and of the commonality of the human story that enables us to love and support each other!

Charateristics of the Bereaved

 

*The role the deceased had in the family, e.g. the power authority in the family.
*The amount of unfinished business in the relationship.
*Dysfunctional families will react in their usual patterns-they will be dysfunctional!
*Patterns of coping.
*Past or current experiences with grief.
*Current other psychological or social problems or crisis.
*Culture, ethnicity and religion.
*A previous history of psychiatric problems or addictions like alcoholism.
*There is a unique nature to each relationship!

The Opposite of Fear

"Love is the opposite of fear. The more we’re willing to love and trust who we are, the more we attract those qualities to ourselves. When we’re on a streak of really being frightened or upset or worried or not liking ourselves, isn’t it amazing how everything goes wrong in our lives? It’s the same when we really love ourselves. Everything starts to go on a winning streak, and we get the green lights and the parking spaces. We get up in the morning and the day flows beautifully." - Louise Hay

When Suicide Happens

Suicide is such a misunderstood act; a by-product of severe mental illness. Those who complete suicide are victims and their families are left with blame, shame and countless fingers pointing at them with questions of "how could they do that?" Just as people are compassionate with other types of mental illnesses, people who deal with thoughts of suicide (especially the families of those who ultimately carry it out) need compassion, loving arms and a place to go where people will accept and offer them real opportunity for help.

Exercise for Sleep

   Do not do strenuous exercise too close to bedtime. It is too stimulating and will be hard to fall asleep afterwards. But do exercise earlier in the day to wear yourself out. People who exercise regularly find it easier to fall and stay asleep.