Grief and the Holidays

 

Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They generally represent time spent with family. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? Holidays magnify the loss. You can and will get through them. You don't have to be a victim of the pain or the past.
Here are some things to help you whether you are grieving the loss of a parent, friend, pet, spouse, or child.
Don't ask too much of yourself.  Ask for help. You'll get it. People want to help but don't expect them to know how. They'll be thankful they could do something for you.
Change traditions.  Create new traditions that make sense for the reshaped family you have become. You will begin to look forward to these traditions.
Find ways to include the ones you have lost.  Say a prayer about your loved one, light a candle, share stories, chat online about them, create an online tribute for them.
Practice self-care.  Don't do more than you want. Allow time for your feelings. Take frequent naps. Leave and go for a walk.  Recognize when you need some "me" time and act on it.
Allow yourself to experience joy.  Plan for sadness and embrace it when it comes. Walk right into the pain rather than try to hold it off. You will laugh again and during a holiday the love of family and friends can't help but make you smile. Your laughter will be the greatest gift you can give them.

May memories of your loved one bring you happiness during this holiday season.


Your Story Matters. You Matter.

Each of our stories matter. Not just the good part with the happy, fairytale endings, but the good, bad and the ugly. Our whole story.
Because, life matters. Every part of it is a learning opportunity. So tell it. Validate it. Learning from your story reveals your character. It shows what areas of your life you need healing in (grief, abuse, tragedies, unresolved emotions.)
If we are not learning as we live life, what are we doing with the valuable wisdom that is available to us and that could also help others? Your wisdom comes from your life experiences. Others can learn from that.
The key to healing from traumatic stress is the telling of your own story. Your body naturally begins healing as your mind tries to make sense of it all. Your recovery process will be stronger if you can reconstruct and evaluate your life. And one of the most powerful ways toward this reconstruction is through your story-your personal narrative.
Human beings have a basic need to understand. To be heard. Some have a knack for processing experiences and events in their own mind, while others struggle. But we all have a personal narrative that offers us a chance for not just understanding, but for the reorganization of our sense of self. A self that was once wounded, broken, frightened or lost- but can now be reclaimed. The power of telling your story allows you to transform the foreign into the familiar-making the unspeakable speakable. 
Your narrative is yours and yours alone, It can bring you awareness and much needed closure.
The power that comes from your own personal life story not only describes you, it defines and shapes you. Embrace what your struggles have taught you and celebrate what strengths they have given you. Share it with others. You may just be the inspiration they need.

What I've Learned Through Grief

It's like an ocean, some days calm, other days, the waves hit hard and knock me down.
It's possible to ask "Why?" a million times a day and never get an answer.
At first I did not think I would survive, but with family,  friends, and faith I came to grips with the pain of grief.
Birthdays and holidays will always be hard. Find a different way to look at things and let go. They will come around every year. Learning to cope is part of the grieving journey.
You'll wonder how people can go on with their lives. Don't they know what has happened? Then you'll realize how unreasonable you're being.
You will learn who your real friends are. You'll be surprised to find they're not who you expected.
You may resort to using Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviors. (S.T.E.R.B.'s)  drinking, over or under eating, excessive shopping or exercising, workaholism, sleeping too much or too little, drugs, etc. These are behaviors that only keep you from dealing with your grief.
It's OK to cry yourself to sleep. It's also OK not to cry. Every day is different.
Guilt is something you will experience. Let it pass as quickly as possible.
You will experience pain smack in the middle of your heart and is literally your heart breaking.  That pain will fade eventually.
You must talk about your grief. It's the best therapy. Share your memories, honor them, remember them, love them.
It's normal to always feel sad. Someone you love is gone. Eventually it will be OK.
Sometimes you need to just say NO. If you don't want to, then don't. Do what's right for you and no one else.
Focus on living in the moment. You can't go back and change what has happened. Accept that and move on. That is a choice only you can make. Make it. See how much better you feel. Focus on your new life and  others around you. You have something to offer them because of your experiences.
What has your journey through grief taught you?

Why You Can't Let Go of Your Grief

There are losses you never get over. They break you to pieces and you can never go back to being the whole person you once were. Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so all-consuming. Your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no boundaries.
If your loved one died in a sudden or unexpected way, somewhere inside you is a voice asking what you might have done differently that would have changed what happened.
The truth is that the factors that influence the course of all our lives are much bigger  than what we did or did not do. To hold yourself accountable for any reason is to deny the greater context in which life happens, and this is a dangerous choice to make. It will eat a hole in your spirit that you can never fill.
You hang on to your grief to make sure you never forget your loved one. The sadness is all you have left and you begin to cherish it. That way, you will never forget. You hold your grief tightly within your body and feed it all the love you have left. So that it stays, so you can be closer to death yourself. It can never sneak up on you again, because it never left your doorstep.
So when you are expected back at work or at social events, you attend for others and pretend. You pretend it doesn't crush you when their birthday comes around or when you're at a holiday table glaring at an empty chair. You must not cry when at the grocery store when you buy the steaks that only your loved one ate.
The worst type of crying isn't the kind that everyone sees. No, the worst kind happens when your soul weeps no matter what you are doing. You don't expect it and you can't control it.
You are missing a piece of yourself that no one else can really see. You will never forget the love, the adventure, the grandiosity of the effect that our loved one had on your life and your character. 
But a time comes when you must move forward. One small step at at a time. Trust there is more ahead of you and your life truly does has meaning and purpose. Search for it. Search your soul and begin to cherish your new life. Move forward knowing you will never forget the most important thing that has happened to you. Ever..

There is no Map of Grief

There are many lists of trite advice you can read about grief, but they may only add to your confusion about why you can't sync your feelings with the grief map created by our culture. This map tells you what is normal, but that doesn't apply to you. It was designed to keep the engine of our cultural machine running. It requires your numbness. It asks you to do your grieving in the three days allotted by your employer.
Refuse to be numb. You are not a machine. There is no time limit on how long you should be sad about your loss. Days, weeks, months, and years are meaningless.
Your heart has been badly broken and know that you never completely get over the loss of your loved one. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And yet you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you still learn to dance with the limp.
Grief teaches us about who we are. Grief has a way of showing us just how deep our aliveness goes. If you have been sitting on old grief from your childhood, your failed relationships, the loss of a family pet when your were nine, or any other losses you were unable to honor in the past, this left-over  grief will also come through as you grieve. Let it.
Grief is the gift that cannot die. It changes the course of your life forever. If you allow yourself the chance to feel it for as long as you need to-you will be guided by it. You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way your loved one lives on, in you.

Men are Dying Because They Can't Talk

Every country in the world has seen male suicides outstrip female ones, and it's because men are silent and reluctant to seek help. The socialization of men is based on homophobia, sexism and pressure from media and peers who support these mindsets. From birth, they are told to be strong, to be unshakable, and never display any kind of sensitivity or weakness, lest you be branded "gay", "sad" or a variety of other disparaging prejudiced terms that are considered feminine and like a woman. Men are being taught to think that being open about their emotions and mental health is an engagement in identifying with a gender identity other than their own-men don't do this. Only women.
Men are taught that they have a Breaking Point, and that involves anything from a bar brawl to domestic violence.They are taught that violence is conflict resolution, and that uncorking themselves and venting is something that happens when it cannot be stopped, not when it can.
Mental health's biggest challenge is to get people to talk-to stop the silence. Silence is death. Silence is self-harm. Silence is smiling through your pain .Silence is not bravery when it comes to mental health. We need to address the mental health benefits and positive masculinity of men expressing themselves, whether it's social media discussion or the narrative of a TV show.
Toxic posts and books that suggest that men and women are simply "wired" differently suggest that women should cater to the emotional shortcoming of men in order to avoid conflict. This is a problem- it dismisses the mental illness issue and reinforces the male stereotype that men don't have real feelings.
This isn't about coming out about your mental health to your friends at the bar-there are actual, professional, free resources on the NHS  (National Health Service) that are available. Private mental health professionals are an option too. You can be healed while taking small steps towards being more open about how you feel outside the therapist' room.
Men do things because they want to be strong. To not die. To live. So talk. Seek help. Even quietly. Push back against stereotypes and prejudice that keep men silent. This goes for everyone, not just men.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me...

Dying is not like you see on TV. It is not peaceful or prepared. It is too real.
You can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
A hospital death is not always a bad death. A home death is not always a good death.
There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death.
Death is not an emergency. Take your time to step back and say goodbye.
Be prepared for awkward encounters. Death makes people uncomfortable.
People will bring you food because they don't know what else to do. Don't feel bad throwing it away.
Death brings out the best and the worst in families. Be prepared.
There is no such thing as closure.
You will grieve, in some form, forever. That's okay.
Guilt, anger, and regret are all a normal part of grief.
Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. This a a good thing.
However badly you think it is going to hurt, it may be a million times worse.
The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind.
Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn't helpful.
You grieve your past, present, and future with that person.
Grief triggers are everywhere. This may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
You may lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, and trust.
People will tell you what you should and shouldn't feel and how you should and shouldn't grieve. Ignore them.
It is normal to fell numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves.
The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
People love to judge how you are doing. Ignore them.
It is okay to cry. It is okay NOT to cry.
Time does NOT heal all wounds.
 Grief re-writes your address book. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.
Face you emotions.You can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

Tell Your Story

An important part of healing from your grief is to tell your story. Over and over again..Because if you were really able to fully grasp the magnitude of what happened, you would most likely not be able to survive.
It's just too much.
So, your spirit, your mind, and your body protects you by allowing the truth to sink in slowly over time. At a pace you can live with.
And it's in telling the story of what happened over and over again that you are able to see and come to deal with the truth of what happened.
It's important to comb through the details, relive the sights and sounds. Go ahead and ask, "What if and Why didn't I and If only?"
Nothing is off limits. Turn over every scenario so that no part of the experience is locked behind a closed door. It's painful at first. But keep on telling your story. Because telling the story is a path to healing. And one day you discover that you can't tell it. Not one more time.You just can't do it.
This is what healing feels like!

Welcome to Your Breathing Space

Do you find yourself having a conversation with your grief even before you get out of bed in the morning? That is a sure sign that you're still prioritizing grief over life.You're welcoming the new day with grief in mind. When grief is the first experience of your day, fear will also join in.
It's important to find breathing space and  pay attention to life as soon as you wake up. Grab your coffee and go where you can spend ten minutes alone and in peace.
Welcome to your breathing space!
This space you're looking for-the place where you are alone-isn't really a physical location; it is a space within your body and mind that allows you to remove the weight of loss that you carry around with you. It is where you can set loss aside and think about your future.
A future where you feel alive, strong, grateful, compassionate, and loving.
Where is this place for you? If you recognize this place inside you, go there now. If not, find it. In your breathing space, you'll be called back to life. The more you practice finding it, the more the space will be with you all through your day. Just a breath away, if you need it..

Breaking the Cycle of Grief.

Have you ever noticed in your grieving that the place you keep visiting in your mind does not change? That the story your are reliving follows the same script, with the same ending? This script is called the infinite loop of loss. It's like being on a roller-coaster ride that carries you around and around without ever letting you off. The last ride is always as painful as the first. This is why it's so important to break the cycle of grief.
You must chose to put some space between your pain and your life. Choose to look at your life not only  through the eyes of grief. By establishing some distance between you and your pain, you learn to detach emotionally from the pain and discover ways to heal. By doing this you are no longer letting your loss and your pain define you. You need mental clarity so you can figure out where you are in your life at this moment, instead of where you imagine you are. It is important to experience the reality of life without the intense presence of your grief casting a dark shadow on the entire world around you. Even if your loss is recent, you may realize, by watching, that you still do have moments of authentic joy.
Here are some questions to reflect on that will help you begin the shift away from grief:
1.  When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first though that comes to mind, and how does this       thought make you feel?
2.  Where in your body is the feeling you are describing located?
3.  Is there a feeling you would like to experience instead?
4.  When you experience this new feeling, what would you like to have in your life?
5.  When you acknowledge what you would like to have, do feelings of unworthiness arise? Where do they
     come from?
6.  Most likely, your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. Why do you deserve the things you have
      identified?
Refer to these questions on a regular basis to help reinforce the neural pathways that help you see the world and your feelings objectively.
You can learn to look at your past in a brand-new way by stepping outside of your repetitive thoughts of grief. By thinking new thoughts and engaging in new activities and learning, you can exit the loop of loss!

When Your Pet Dies.

When someone close to us dies, our loss is usually met with sympathy, comfort, and offerings of sincere condolence. We are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to experience our emotions. But talk with pet owners who have had a dog get hit by a car or a cat euthanized and you will hear a different story .Most people do not understand the depth of their grief. Some even experience the gross insensitivity of a comment like, "Why don't you just get another pet?"
When we are grieving the loss of a beloved pet, we are actually mourning several losses:
The loss of unconditional love: Our pets provide us with emotional responses that are uninhibited by concern for how their expression appear to others. Many of our human relationships aren't that simple. Our pets do not judge our imperfection. They are all-accepting in ways few humans can achieve.
The loss of a protege: Having a pet is like being a parent. We are responsible for another life and go to great lengths to ensure their physical and emotional comfort. The loss of a pet can feel like the loss of a child.
The loss of a "life witness": Our pets allow us to express parts of ourselves that we may not let other humans see. During tough times, they provide us with security, stability and comfort.
The loss of routines: We must say goodbye to feeding time, walking routes, and calling on our pet when we wanted comfort and love.
It is important and necessary to mourn the loss of your pet! Be patient and kind with yourself. Your losses are real, painful, and evoke a variety of feelings and memories. Processing these feelings has no time frame. Create your own rituals for your pet. Hold a service at home or in a place special to you.
What would your pet do if he or she found you sad and in pain? Give you love, give you comfort, and stay with you as long as it took..
We can all learn a lesson from our animal friends!

Is Your Self-Talk Positive or Negative?

Here are some common forms of negative self-talk: 
Filtering. You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all the positive ones. You had a great day at work, filled with compliments. That evening, you focus on your plan to do even more and forget about the compliments you received.
Personalizing. When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. When an evening out is canceled, you assume it is because no one wanted to be around you.
Catastrophizing. You anticipate the worst. Your day starts out with a few snags and you think the rest of your day will be a disaster.
Polarizing.  You see things only as either good or bad. There is no middle ground. You are either perfect or a total failure.
You can learn to turn your thinking around!  Here are some ways to create the new habit of positive thinking:
Identify areas to change . Start small by focusing on one area to approach in a more positive way. Your job, relationship, daily tasks or commute.
Check yourself. Stop and evaluate what you're thinking. Find a way to put a positive spin on all your thoughts.
Be open to humor. Find humor in everyday events, including yourself.
Follow a healthy lifestyle. Get moving as it will affect your mood and reduce stress! Eat well to fuel your mind and body. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel...
Practice positive self-talk.  Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else.
With practice, your self-talk will help you become less critical of yourself, and the world around you!

When A Parent Dies.

Your mother or father has died. Most of us love our parents deeply. And they love you with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summon.
You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of one of the most significant people in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.
Your grief is unique. Grieve in your own way and in your own time. The parent-child bond is the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. Numbness, confusion, guilt, relief, and anger are just a few feelings you may have. They are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling ;don't judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. Find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief.
If you have siblings, the death of this parent may affect them differently than you. Each of them had their own unique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way. Expect some conflicts with your siblings as you may disagree about the memorial, family finances, etc. Or, perhaps you will experience a welcomed gift of the death bringing you and your siblings closer together. Grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest thing you have ever done.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of sadness will leave you fatigued and your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Nurture yourself. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.
Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.
Your parent lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends.Those memories may make you laugh or cry, they are a a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Your life will be changed forever. Embrace the blessings you receive along the way!

Wrong Turns In Life.

Often in life, you might take a wrong turn, but at the time, you may not be aware that is IS a wrong turn. So you'll coast along for a while thinking that the scenery looks a bit different than what you expected, but at the time that seems okay. It may take ages, but suddenly you come up against an immovable boulder on the path, one that you can't go around. Or the road you are on dead ends. This is the moment of truth, when you realize not only that you took a wrong turn, but that you're going to have to retrace your steps. Your may feel so far from your destination that you panic, and you just can't believe that you wasted all this time!
Don't give yourself a hard time..If you think back and look really hard, there will be something positive that came out of your little detour.It doesn't matter that you made a side journey: it was just that-a side journey- and it won't prevent you from reaching your destination.Time passes and so does the moment. Soon you'll be back on the right path.Getting anything that's worthwhile is always full or wrong turns, dead ends, and sometimes dark despair. But remember that makes it all the sweeter when you do finally arrive!

Navigating Through Grief..Which Path to Choose...

As I walk this walk of grief recovery, I will take my time. I will be alert to the road signs. I will watch for other travelers of the way who may need my help, just as I need theirs.

Exercise for Sleep

   Do not do strenuous exercise too close to bedtime. It is too stimulating and will be hard to fall asleep afterwards. But do exercise earlier in the day to wear yourself out. People who exercise regularly find it easier to fall and stay asleep.