Train Your Brain To Stay Positive

Your brain produces about 70,000 thoughts per day. If you spend a few minutes monitoring your thoughts, you might be surprised by how negative you can be. Basically, we're habitually negative without even realizing it. So how do we stop ourselves from thinking negative thoughts if we don't even realize it's happening?

Here are five tips to make sure most of your 70,000 thoughts are positive:

1.  Observe your thoughts. You can't fix a problem you don't know about. Once you observe your thinking you will know where to start.
2.  Choose a mantra for the day.  Every morning, choose a mantra and repeat it to yourself throughout the day. It can be something as simple as "I'm a happy person." Repeating your mantra trains your brain to think positively.
3.  Use an app.  Check out apps like Louise Hay's Stress Free Life and her I Can Do It Calendar. These apps will provide you with an affirmation for the day.
4.  Transform a negative into a positive.  All of us have one thought that dominates our minds. It's that extra 10 pounds we need to lose, our out of control finances. Take that main thought and turn it into an affirmation. This will help give you confidence and motivation.
5.  Make a gratitude list.  Come up with five things you're grateful for and write them down. Making a gratitude list can alter your mood and keep you focused on the positive in life.

Put these tips to use and you'll reap the physical, mental, and performance benefits that come with a positive frame of mind!

What I've Learned Through Grief

It's like an ocean, some days calm, other days, the waves hit hard and knock me down.
It's possible to ask "Why?" a million times a day and never get an answer.
At first I did not think I would survive, but with family,  friends, and faith I came to grips with the pain of grief.
Birthdays and holidays will always be hard. Find a different way to look at things and let go. They will come around every year. Learning to cope is part of the grieving journey.
You'll wonder how people can go on with their lives. Don't they know what has happened? Then you'll realize how unreasonable you're being.
You will learn who your real friends are. You'll be surprised to find they're not who you expected.
You may resort to using Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviors. (S.T.E.R.B.'s)  drinking, over or under eating, excessive shopping or exercising, workaholism, sleeping too much or too little, drugs, etc. These are behaviors that only keep you from dealing with your grief.
It's OK to cry yourself to sleep. It's also OK not to cry. Every day is different.
Guilt is something you will experience. Let it pass as quickly as possible.
You will experience pain smack in the middle of your heart and is literally your heart breaking.  That pain will fade eventually.
You must talk about your grief. It's the best therapy. Share your memories, honor them, remember them, love them.
It's normal to always feel sad. Someone you love is gone. Eventually it will be OK.
Sometimes you need to just say NO. If you don't want to, then don't. Do what's right for you and no one else.
Focus on living in the moment. You can't go back and change what has happened. Accept that and move on. That is a choice only you can make. Make it. See how much better you feel. Focus on your new life and  others around you. You have something to offer them because of your experiences.
What has your journey through grief taught you?

Dealing With Anger and Guilt After a Suicide

After losing a loved one to suicide, it's not uncommon to struggle with feelings of anger and guilt. It's normal to feel anger towards your loved one who committed suicide at the same time that you feel overwhelming grief over your loss. They made a devastating choice that will impact the rest of your life, leaving you to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath. Who wouldn't be angry??
It's also normal to feel guilty after catching yourself feeling anger towards your loved one. What you feel guilty about is your anger. You are not angry at the person who committed suicide, you are angry about the choice they made to end their life, leaving you behind with all the pain and hurt.
You are angry at the choice, not the person. It was your loved one that made that choice, not you. Had you know that they were going to make that choice, you would have done what you could to stop it. But you didn't know..
 Accept that you can't change what happened and you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. If you are burdening yourself with misplaced guilt, you are confining yourself to an emotional prison.
These bars are made of guilt, anger, bitterness and resentment. That kind of prison locks from the inside. The only one that can let you out is you.
You wake up every morning and choose what to think. Accept what has happened and know that the life you have today, tomorrow and the next day is a function of what you choose.
You experienced a devastating loss, but you didn't choose it. Give yourself permission to move on. With time and patience, your initial grief will subside and with this resolve comes an opportunity for a deeper healing.  The transition of your loved one will bring about opportunities for emotional and psychological healing as well as spiritual growth. This spiritual growth may be just what you need to help ease your grieving heart and transform a difficult time into a spiritually meaningful experience.

Why You Can't Let Go of Your Grief

There are losses you never get over. They break you to pieces and you can never go back to being the whole person you once were. Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so all-consuming. Your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no boundaries.
If your loved one died in a sudden or unexpected way, somewhere inside you is a voice asking what you might have done differently that would have changed what happened.
The truth is that the factors that influence the course of all our lives are much bigger  than what we did or did not do. To hold yourself accountable for any reason is to deny the greater context in which life happens, and this is a dangerous choice to make. It will eat a hole in your spirit that you can never fill.
You hang on to your grief to make sure you never forget your loved one. The sadness is all you have left and you begin to cherish it. That way, you will never forget. You hold your grief tightly within your body and feed it all the love you have left. So that it stays, so you can be closer to death yourself. It can never sneak up on you again, because it never left your doorstep.
So when you are expected back at work or at social events, you attend for others and pretend. You pretend it doesn't crush you when their birthday comes around or when you're at a holiday table glaring at an empty chair. You must not cry when at the grocery store when you buy the steaks that only your loved one ate.
The worst type of crying isn't the kind that everyone sees. No, the worst kind happens when your soul weeps no matter what you are doing. You don't expect it and you can't control it.
You are missing a piece of yourself that no one else can really see. You will never forget the love, the adventure, the grandiosity of the effect that our loved one had on your life and your character. 
But a time comes when you must move forward. One small step at at a time. Trust there is more ahead of you and your life truly does has meaning and purpose. Search for it. Search your soul and begin to cherish your new life. Move forward knowing you will never forget the most important thing that has happened to you. Ever..

There is no Map of Grief

There are many lists of trite advice you can read about grief, but they may only add to your confusion about why you can't sync your feelings with the grief map created by our culture. This map tells you what is normal, but that doesn't apply to you. It was designed to keep the engine of our cultural machine running. It requires your numbness. It asks you to do your grieving in the three days allotted by your employer.
Refuse to be numb. You are not a machine. There is no time limit on how long you should be sad about your loss. Days, weeks, months, and years are meaningless.
Your heart has been badly broken and know that you never completely get over the loss of your loved one. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And yet you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you still learn to dance with the limp.
Grief teaches us about who we are. Grief has a way of showing us just how deep our aliveness goes. If you have been sitting on old grief from your childhood, your failed relationships, the loss of a family pet when your were nine, or any other losses you were unable to honor in the past, this left-over  grief will also come through as you grieve. Let it.
Grief is the gift that cannot die. It changes the course of your life forever. If you allow yourself the chance to feel it for as long as you need to-you will be guided by it. You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way your loved one lives on, in you.

Depression Will Not Go Away On Its Own

Depression is a serious mental illness that can cause both emotional and physical pain to millions of children, teens and adults. Using a combination of therapies and other medicinal approaches are often the best ways to learn how to fight depression. Unfortunately, only about 20% of individuals suffering from depression seek help. Most don't even know they have it or if they do, they don't want deal with it, much less talk about it.
Depression will not go away on its own.. It needs to be addressed or will likely become worse.
The most effective ways to fight depression are:
Therapy.  Trained therapists or psychologists will help figure out the emotional turmoil you are struggling with that might be the cause of your depression. These life struggles or tragedies include death, divorce, and poor self esteem..Learning to work through these struggles, accept them and move on is all part of treating depression.
Antidepressants and Herbal Remedies.  Some people find success in treating their depression by taking depression meds or herbal remedies, however, these meds do not work for everyone and cannot be taken with other medications so it's important to talk to your physician about this option. Recent studies about the side effects of Paxil;  insomnia, anxiety, seizure, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts, especially in teens, led the FDA to issue a black box warning label be put on this drug stating the increased risk of suicidal thought in teens taking it. Paxil withdrawal syndrome is known to be the most severe withdrawal for drugs in it's class.
Exercise and Nutrition.  Exercise releases endorphins and other hormones which elevate mood, making it a great way to fight depression. Like working out, getting nutrients through food and liquids you ingest is another way to fight depression. A balanced diet helps balance your hormones and keep your weight under control. Blood sugar stabilization is important to control mood.
Talking and Writing Therapy.  Keeping a journal of what makes you happy helps you to focus on the positive as well as getting things off your chest so you can analyze your situation. It may not be as bad as it seems..
Talking through your feelings with a professional, friends, or family members will help you process your emotions so you can let them go. You can learn to live in the present, and let go of your past.
Try your hardest to focus on the positive. Remind yourself about the good things you have going in your life!

Grief and the Practice of Mindfulness

Everyone grieves differently so have different physical and emotional feelings during the grieving process. Grief can become a tool for an awakening to a greater understanding and insight into the truth of life. When someone we loves dies, it is almost like an initiation to that insight. As we experiences the intensity of physical and emotional anguish, it becomes so intense that there is no way to avoid the raw experience of human pain.
The more we can remain "open" and mindfully experience the pain of grief, the greater the possibility of overcoming its effects. Meditations can be extremely helpful during this time of bereavement. If we are mindful there is less tendency to delay the inevitable task of accepting the reality of the death and experiencing its pain. The more we avoids these tasks, the greater the tendency to experience disturbing emotions, thoughts, and develop avoidance behaviors that can linger indefinitely.
The best way to let go is to grieve. It takes courage to grieve, to honor the pain we carry. We can grieve in tears or in meditative silence, in prayer, or in song.
To mediate on grief, let yourself sit alone or with a friend. Take the time to create an atmosphere of support. Begin by sensing your breath. Feel your breathing in the area of your chest. Take one hand and hold it gently on your heart as if you were holding a vulnerable human being. You are.
As you continue to breathe, bring to mind the loss and pain you are grieving. Let the story, the images, the feelings come naturally. Hold them gently. Take your time. Let the feelings come layer by layer, a little at a time.
Keep breathing softly. Let whatever feelings are there; pain, tears, anger, love, fear and sorrow, come as they will. Touch them gently. Let them unravel out of your body and mind. Make space for any images that arise. Allow the whole story. Breathe and hold it all with compassion. Kindness for it all, for you and for others.
Hold it gently. Let it be honored. You do not have to keep it in anymore.
Processing the grief we carry is a long, tear-filled process. Yet it follows the natural intelligence of the body and heart. Trust it, and let it unfold. Along with meditation, some of your grief will want to be written, cried out, sung, and heard. As all this is done in time, it becomes evident that the experience of grief cannot be resolved by anyone other than the experiencer-  You.

I'll Lend You a Child

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, he said."
For you to love-while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or forty six or three, but will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his smiles to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise Beau will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked this world over in search of teachers true, and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor count the labor vain, Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard then say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done." For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter Beau with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me...

Dying is not like you see on TV. It is not peaceful or prepared. It is too real.
You can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
A hospital death is not always a bad death. A home death is not always a good death.
There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death.
Death is not an emergency. Take your time to step back and say goodbye.
Be prepared for awkward encounters. Death makes people uncomfortable.
People will bring you food because they don't know what else to do. Don't feel bad throwing it away.
Death brings out the best and the worst in families. Be prepared.
There is no such thing as closure.
You will grieve, in some form, forever. That's okay.
Guilt, anger, and regret are all a normal part of grief.
Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. This a a good thing.
However badly you think it is going to hurt, it may be a million times worse.
The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind.
Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn't helpful.
You grieve your past, present, and future with that person.
Grief triggers are everywhere. This may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
You may lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, and trust.
People will tell you what you should and shouldn't feel and how you should and shouldn't grieve. Ignore them.
It is normal to fell numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves.
The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
People love to judge how you are doing. Ignore them.
It is okay to cry. It is okay NOT to cry.
Time does NOT heal all wounds.
 Grief re-writes your address book. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.
Face you emotions.You can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

Welcome to Your Breathing Space

Do you find yourself having a conversation with your grief even before you get out of bed in the morning? That is a sure sign that you're still prioritizing grief over life.You're welcoming the new day with grief in mind. When grief is the first experience of your day, fear will also join in.
It's important to find breathing space and  pay attention to life as soon as you wake up. Grab your coffee and go where you can spend ten minutes alone and in peace.
Welcome to your breathing space!
This space you're looking for-the place where you are alone-isn't really a physical location; it is a space within your body and mind that allows you to remove the weight of loss that you carry around with you. It is where you can set loss aside and think about your future.
A future where you feel alive, strong, grateful, compassionate, and loving.
Where is this place for you? If you recognize this place inside you, go there now. If not, find it. In your breathing space, you'll be called back to life. The more you practice finding it, the more the space will be with you all through your day. Just a breath away, if you need it..

Breaking the Cycle of Grief.

Have you ever noticed in your grieving that the place you keep visiting in your mind does not change? That the story your are reliving follows the same script, with the same ending? This script is called the infinite loop of loss. It's like being on a roller-coaster ride that carries you around and around without ever letting you off. The last ride is always as painful as the first. This is why it's so important to break the cycle of grief.
You must chose to put some space between your pain and your life. Choose to look at your life not only  through the eyes of grief. By establishing some distance between you and your pain, you learn to detach emotionally from the pain and discover ways to heal. By doing this you are no longer letting your loss and your pain define you. You need mental clarity so you can figure out where you are in your life at this moment, instead of where you imagine you are. It is important to experience the reality of life without the intense presence of your grief casting a dark shadow on the entire world around you. Even if your loss is recent, you may realize, by watching, that you still do have moments of authentic joy.
Here are some questions to reflect on that will help you begin the shift away from grief:
1.  When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first though that comes to mind, and how does this       thought make you feel?
2.  Where in your body is the feeling you are describing located?
3.  Is there a feeling you would like to experience instead?
4.  When you experience this new feeling, what would you like to have in your life?
5.  When you acknowledge what you would like to have, do feelings of unworthiness arise? Where do they
     come from?
6.  Most likely, your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. Why do you deserve the things you have
      identified?
Refer to these questions on a regular basis to help reinforce the neural pathways that help you see the world and your feelings objectively.
You can learn to look at your past in a brand-new way by stepping outside of your repetitive thoughts of grief. By thinking new thoughts and engaging in new activities and learning, you can exit the loop of loss!

How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?

We feel so bad when we are grieving that it is not a surprise when we wonder, "How long will I have this terrible pain? Will this suffering ever end?"
There are two kinds of time:
Chronos Time:    This is the kind of time measured by the calendar. Chronos time is counted in days, weeks, months, years. It is the kind of time measured by clocks. It is a physical time..
Kairos Time:    The time within which personal life moves forward. A result of moments of awakening or realization is measured in kairos time. It refers to a deepening process that results from our paying attention to the present moment where we are drawn inside the moment of our own story. Kairos is an unmeasured kind of time.
Don't measure your grief in chronos time! It's been a year, four years, I should be OK by now. To think that a certain amount of time has passed and we should be farther along in our grieving is a set up for wondering what is wrong with us.
What matters is kairos time. What insights have I had? What have I learned? What meaning am I making of my terrible loss?
The amount of time each of us takes to reach integration of our loss is usually longer rather than shorter.Our society suggests that grieving should be short. Many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member...
The good news is that healthy grieving does change you and your life. Know that you will feel alive again, probably wiser, quieter, and full of gratitude and a desire to contribute as a result of what you have been through.
All in good time...All in good kairos time!

Is Your Self-Talk Positive or Negative?

Here are some common forms of negative self-talk: 
Filtering. You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all the positive ones. You had a great day at work, filled with compliments. That evening, you focus on your plan to do even more and forget about the compliments you received.
Personalizing. When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. When an evening out is canceled, you assume it is because no one wanted to be around you.
Catastrophizing. You anticipate the worst. Your day starts out with a few snags and you think the rest of your day will be a disaster.
Polarizing.  You see things only as either good or bad. There is no middle ground. You are either perfect or a total failure.
You can learn to turn your thinking around!  Here are some ways to create the new habit of positive thinking:
Identify areas to change . Start small by focusing on one area to approach in a more positive way. Your job, relationship, daily tasks or commute.
Check yourself. Stop and evaluate what you're thinking. Find a way to put a positive spin on all your thoughts.
Be open to humor. Find humor in everyday events, including yourself.
Follow a healthy lifestyle. Get moving as it will affect your mood and reduce stress! Eat well to fuel your mind and body. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel...
Practice positive self-talk.  Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else.
With practice, your self-talk will help you become less critical of yourself, and the world around you!