What I've Learned Through Grief

It's like an ocean, some days calm, other days, the waves hit hard and knock me down.
It's possible to ask "Why?" a million times a day and never get an answer.
At first I did not think I would survive, but with family,  friends, and faith I came to grips with the pain of grief.
Birthdays and holidays will always be hard. Find a different way to look at things and let go. They will come around every year. Learning to cope is part of the grieving journey.
You'll wonder how people can go on with their lives. Don't they know what has happened? Then you'll realize how unreasonable you're being.
You will learn who your real friends are. You'll be surprised to find they're not who you expected.
You may resort to using Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviors. (S.T.E.R.B.'s)  drinking, over or under eating, excessive shopping or exercising, workaholism, sleeping too much or too little, drugs, etc. These are behaviors that only keep you from dealing with your grief.
It's OK to cry yourself to sleep. It's also OK not to cry. Every day is different.
Guilt is something you will experience. Let it pass as quickly as possible.
You will experience pain smack in the middle of your heart and is literally your heart breaking.  That pain will fade eventually.
You must talk about your grief. It's the best therapy. Share your memories, honor them, remember them, love them.
It's normal to always feel sad. Someone you love is gone. Eventually it will be OK.
Sometimes you need to just say NO. If you don't want to, then don't. Do what's right for you and no one else.
Focus on living in the moment. You can't go back and change what has happened. Accept that and move on. That is a choice only you can make. Make it. See how much better you feel. Focus on your new life and  others around you. You have something to offer them because of your experiences.
What has your journey through grief taught you?

Inside The Minds of Those Who Kill, and Kill Themselves

Setting aside the debate over access to guns, trying to understand the actions of a mass murderer has us grasping for answers..settling on a diagnosis that the shooter was probably a psychopath-cold, unfeeling, heartless.
Recent studies of the writings of mass killers come to a different conclusion. The gunmen suffered from an intense form of paranoia. Far from being cold or detached, these young men were enraged, their delusions of persecution becoming ever more intense and intolerable. They become fixated and obsessed with rejection by what they see as an elite " in-group," whom they see as having unfairly achieved success. They formulate plans to take out these elite, which they justify as vengeance for the maltreatment.
Other characteristics these killers seem to share are extreme narcissism, loners, a desire for fame, glory and attention.
Mental health experts who study mass murder-suicides found that depression and thoughts of suicide  are common, but not enough to explain such drastic and rare acts. There is something fundamentally different here aside from depression.
They want to die, and they want to bring many others down with them. For some, the targets are the purpose of their attack. In other cases, the purpose of the attack is primarily to gain notoriety, and the targets become the means to that end. They are collateral damage.
Domestic murder-suicides are almost always impulsive-committed in fits of rage or jealousy, and a majority of the killers also abused alcohol or drugs. In contrast, killers who take groups of strangers as targets plan their crimes carefully, waiting for an opportunity to act. They seem concerned about keeping a clear mind for the task ahead.. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day..
Dylan Klebold, 17, of Columbine High bragged that his goal was to cause the most deaths in U.S. history.
 If authorities had known what had driven him to carry out his plan, they may not have made it public.
Perhaps not publicizing these horrific crimes is something to consider...

Death or Divorce: Which is Worse?

In death we confront the finality of our loved one. In divorce, though we don't generally really wish our partner dead, we sometimes realize that life would be easier if that were the case. And those feelings add to our confusion, our guilt, and our difficulties co-parenting.
Self esteem will take a hit. Legal battles may rage on for years. Logistical nightmares (shuttling kids) may wear us out. And friends? Often, they desert. Lack of finances and child support seem to be unending.
Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
We grieve for lost love. For what could or should have been. We grieve for the loss of a family dynamic, a familiar family unit. The parting that takes place in divorce can often times be as final as death.
There is no right or wrong way to work through your individual emotional phases.These phases may include denial, anger, depression, numbness, bargaining, disorganization, and acceptance. While these phases are usually associated with death, they hold just as true for divorce. Give them validation and this often times will move you farther along your unique path of grief.
Be prepared for unexpected triggers in the future, months or even years after you thought you were through with them and had moved past the pain. Common triggers include hearing a song on the radio you and your partner both loved, or witnessing your partner with someone new. Painful memories are all stored in the same part of the brain so these reminders of hurtful events can open the floodgates to the familiar pain of grief and loss.  By expecting these occasional relapses and remembering that there is not a completion date to your grief, you allow your emotions to flow through the phases at their own pace. You may repeat some of these phases over and over again. Your mind knows what it needs and will process the information until it reaches some level of acceptance, allowing you to move beyond the grief and turn the first page on the new chapter in your life.
You are a unique person and you are suffering, coping, and moving forward. Society often demonstrates more compassion when it comes to death.  Death and divorce both involve life altering change which we treat respectfully in one case and callously in the other. Loss itself  is the great leveler and those who walk through the door of divorce must be also met with compassion and love.
Grief of any kind is a journey, not a destination, and we move forward, one step at a time.