Grief and the Holidays

 

Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They generally represent time spent with family. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died? How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? Holidays magnify the loss. You can and will get through them. You don't have to be a victim of the pain or the past.
Here are some things to help you whether you are grieving the loss of a parent, friend, pet, spouse, or child.
Don't ask too much of yourself.  Ask for help. You'll get it. People want to help but don't expect them to know how. They'll be thankful they could do something for you.
Change traditions.  Create new traditions that make sense for the reshaped family you have become. You will begin to look forward to these traditions.
Find ways to include the ones you have lost.  Say a prayer about your loved one, light a candle, share stories, chat online about them, create an online tribute for them.
Practice self-care.  Don't do more than you want. Allow time for your feelings. Take frequent naps. Leave and go for a walk.  Recognize when you need some "me" time and act on it.
Allow yourself to experience joy.  Plan for sadness and embrace it when it comes. Walk right into the pain rather than try to hold it off. You will laugh again and during a holiday the love of family and friends can't help but make you smile. Your laughter will be the greatest gift you can give them.

May memories of your loved one bring you happiness during this holiday season.


Neurogenesis: Stuff to do to Boost Your Brain

What is neurogenesis anyway and what's all the buzz about? Neurogenesis is simply the birth of new neurons in your brain. It has been assumed that you are born with a fixed number and you can't reproduce new ones after maturity of your brain. Not true. There several things you can do to boost your brain.

Meditation.  This is no longer viewed as some sort of "New Age" or "Hippie" trend  of the 60's. Most large corporations are providing classes on meditation and mindfulness to increase productivity and happiness amongst their employees. It's a tool that is so simple, yet so powerful. Find some regular activity that trains your mind to be still, fully present, and connected with yourself. Just like any activity, you need to practice it daily to fully reap the benefits in your life. Meditation is a wonder drug that constantly needs to be refilled.

Exercise.  Cardio exercise such as running, interval training, swimming, etc. is the most effective way of boosting nuerogenesis. Exercise has a long list of health benefits for the mind and body, and is also an important stress reliever. This becomes more important as we age.

 Diet.  Too much refined sugar has a huge effect on the brain. Avoid it. Your brain is 60% fat and the right fats are important for healthy brain function.  Rich sources include oily fish, hemp, blueberries, green tea, and tumeric to name a few. 

Lifestyle.  Exposure to sunlight is important to increase serotonin levels in your brain. Ten minutes to the face can have a positive effect on your brain.
Long term sleep deprivation reduces nuerogenesis. Your brain can recover from short term deprivation but it's important not to make  it a habit.  Seven to nine hours per night is optimal.
Doing things you enjoy on a regular basis is beneficial for brain function and helps elevate levels of feel good neurons. Plan something that makes you happy on a daily basis.

Nuerogenesis is the cutting edge topic of research. We have to power  keep depression and anxiety at bay and maintain healthy brain function well into old age.

Growing yourself new brain cells will help you live a longer, happier, and healthier life. Nuerogenisis can help you live your life with more joy, compassion, gratitude, and of course, love.

Accept What Is-Don't Judge as Good or Bad

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness, is the difficulty we have in accepting things as they are. Without judgement, without wishing things were different. Human nature wishes for something better. But the root of our unhappiness isn't that we want things to be different; it's that we decided we didn't like it in the first place. We've judged it as bad. It's not bad or good, it just is.

It's not to say to expect things to go wrong, but to expect things to go differently that you had planned and to embrace that. It is negative only if you see it as negative. If you judge it as bad.

You could accept it as the way the world works-as the way things actually are and try to understand why they're that way.

Change things not because you can't accept things as they are, but because you enjoy the process of change, of learning and growing. The world is just what it is- and that's neither good nor bad. You can continue to try to do things to help others, to grow as a person, to make a difference in the world-not because youre' a bad person now, but because that's the path you choose to take, because you enjoy that path.

We can only face our own individual challenges with as much ease and grace to discover what we're meant to do: to be ourselves, follow our destiny, and realize what' truly important-love.

Are You Resilient? How Do You Handle Your Grief?

Resilience is a combination of your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. It is not something you either have or you don't. You can work on being more resilient by acquiring tools to help you get through tough times. It does not mean you are shoving your emotions under the rug or ignoring feelings. It means that your body and mind are finding ways to help you return to normal after experiencing trauma. It keeps you stabilized through your grieving and eventually helps you gain personal strength. You are not ignoring the negative emotions but rather allowing positive ones to flow as well.
A big part of being resilient comes from the support of your friends, family and community. Resilient people not only rely on their own strength,  but also the strength of others to help them through tough times. This support system is the best tool to regain a well-adjusted, healthy life.
It is true that many people experience positive changes and growth after a trauma. It is not the actual event itself that does this. It is the process of persevering and growing in the face of adversity. After experiencing trauma, your body and mind are called on to do the most difficult thing--heal. This is what gives us confidence that we can overcome any difficult situation and teaches us skills that we can use daily-for the rest of our lives.
Growth after trauma is common, but it doesn't mean that the healing process is any easier. It is still grief and it still requires suffering and strength to get through it. It  provides hope that there are positive outcomes to even the most tragic of situations. And  it is important to realize, suffering and growth can coexist.

Your Story Matters. You Matter.

Each of our stories matter. Not just the good part with the happy, fairytale endings, but the good, bad and the ugly. Our whole story.
Because, life matters. Every part of it is a learning opportunity. So tell it. Validate it. Learning from your story reveals your character. It shows what areas of your life you need healing in (grief, abuse, tragedies, unresolved emotions.)
If we are not learning as we live life, what are we doing with the valuable wisdom that is available to us and that could also help others? Your wisdom comes from your life experiences. Others can learn from that.
The key to healing from traumatic stress is the telling of your own story. Your body naturally begins healing as your mind tries to make sense of it all. Your recovery process will be stronger if you can reconstruct and evaluate your life. And one of the most powerful ways toward this reconstruction is through your story-your personal narrative.
Human beings have a basic need to understand. To be heard. Some have a knack for processing experiences and events in their own mind, while others struggle. But we all have a personal narrative that offers us a chance for not just understanding, but for the reorganization of our sense of self. A self that was once wounded, broken, frightened or lost- but can now be reclaimed. The power of telling your story allows you to transform the foreign into the familiar-making the unspeakable speakable. 
Your narrative is yours and yours alone, It can bring you awareness and much needed closure.
The power that comes from your own personal life story not only describes you, it defines and shapes you. Embrace what your struggles have taught you and celebrate what strengths they have given you. Share it with others. You may just be the inspiration they need.

What I've Learned Through Grief

It's like an ocean, some days calm, other days, the waves hit hard and knock me down.
It's possible to ask "Why?" a million times a day and never get an answer.
At first I did not think I would survive, but with family,  friends, and faith I came to grips with the pain of grief.
Birthdays and holidays will always be hard. Find a different way to look at things and let go. They will come around every year. Learning to cope is part of the grieving journey.
You'll wonder how people can go on with their lives. Don't they know what has happened? Then you'll realize how unreasonable you're being.
You will learn who your real friends are. You'll be surprised to find they're not who you expected.
You may resort to using Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviors. (S.T.E.R.B.'s)  drinking, over or under eating, excessive shopping or exercising, workaholism, sleeping too much or too little, drugs, etc. These are behaviors that only keep you from dealing with your grief.
It's OK to cry yourself to sleep. It's also OK not to cry. Every day is different.
Guilt is something you will experience. Let it pass as quickly as possible.
You will experience pain smack in the middle of your heart and is literally your heart breaking.  That pain will fade eventually.
You must talk about your grief. It's the best therapy. Share your memories, honor them, remember them, love them.
It's normal to always feel sad. Someone you love is gone. Eventually it will be OK.
Sometimes you need to just say NO. If you don't want to, then don't. Do what's right for you and no one else.
Focus on living in the moment. You can't go back and change what has happened. Accept that and move on. That is a choice only you can make. Make it. See how much better you feel. Focus on your new life and  others around you. You have something to offer them because of your experiences.
What has your journey through grief taught you?

Inside The Minds of Those Who Kill, and Kill Themselves

Setting aside the debate over access to guns, trying to understand the actions of a mass murderer has us grasping for answers..settling on a diagnosis that the shooter was probably a psychopath-cold, unfeeling, heartless.
Recent studies of the writings of mass killers come to a different conclusion. The gunmen suffered from an intense form of paranoia. Far from being cold or detached, these young men were enraged, their delusions of persecution becoming ever more intense and intolerable. They become fixated and obsessed with rejection by what they see as an elite " in-group," whom they see as having unfairly achieved success. They formulate plans to take out these elite, which they justify as vengeance for the maltreatment.
Other characteristics these killers seem to share are extreme narcissism, loners, a desire for fame, glory and attention.
Mental health experts who study mass murder-suicides found that depression and thoughts of suicide  are common, but not enough to explain such drastic and rare acts. There is something fundamentally different here aside from depression.
They want to die, and they want to bring many others down with them. For some, the targets are the purpose of their attack. In other cases, the purpose of the attack is primarily to gain notoriety, and the targets become the means to that end. They are collateral damage.
Domestic murder-suicides are almost always impulsive-committed in fits of rage or jealousy, and a majority of the killers also abused alcohol or drugs. In contrast, killers who take groups of strangers as targets plan their crimes carefully, waiting for an opportunity to act. They seem concerned about keeping a clear mind for the task ahead.. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day..
Dylan Klebold, 17, of Columbine High bragged that his goal was to cause the most deaths in U.S. history.
 If authorities had known what had driven him to carry out his plan, they may not have made it public.
Perhaps not publicizing these horrific crimes is something to consider...